Dear Carrie,
You know the five stages of grief? Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance? I think right now I'm in the second stage: anger.
I am angry at the world for taking you away from us when we needed you most, angry that one of the purest hearts this universe has ever known was unfairly snatched from us while some of the most indecent and darkened hearts still walk this earth, angry that I never got the chance to tell you what I want to say in person. Maybe now I'm moving into the bargaining stage because I would truly give anything and everything I could to have you back. I just really fucking miss you, Carrie.
When I heard the news that you'd passed, I felt like the air had been sucked out of my lungs. It felt - and still feels - like I lost a family member. In my head, I have always thought of you as my cool aunt. You know, like the one who gives me untraditional life advice, who I can trust to reassure me when I do something wrong because you won't punish me, and who never fails to get me smiling no matter how down I'm feeling.
The time you had on this planet was not nearly enough, but I cannot tell you how grateful I am for that short time that we did have you here. This world is better for having you in it. You made it stronger, tougher, happier, and more hopeful.
Until the ends of time, girls who are knocked down, silenced, oppressed, and ignored will have you to look to for hope. The moment you brought Leia Organa to life forever changed the landscape of feminism and societal conventions. You have paved the way for women and will continue to inspire generations to come. Leia's journey from badass princess to badass general is a story of courage, strength, and hope, and it is because of you that this story doesn't seem like just an impossible fairytale.
You are everything that Leia embodies personified. You are a fearless, electric, confident, unrelenting force who has never once cowered at the sight of danger. You have always been unapologetically yourself, something so rare and special to see. You have never caved to the pressures to fit in, you only embrace every part of who you are that stands out.
Thank you for making me feel like I don't need to apologize for not fitting in to what society considers "normal." I'm not a straight white male, so basically being anything else puts me at a disadvantage in America. But you have taught me to never let anyone abuse the power they have over me. You have taught me how to be empowered through my differences rather than be hindered by them. You've never taken shit from anyone, and I promise you I will do my best to assure that I don't either.
The past few years have been really difficult for me in terms of my mental health. Sometimes I feel like my brain is conspiring to destroy me from the inside out, and life feels like a never-ending battle. I've always felt like an isolated, misunderstood outsider because of my mental illness, but you've helped me to see that I am not alone in what I experience. Thank you for your raw honesty in discussing your troubles with mental illness and giving me hope that I can still live a fulfilled life despite my struggles. I promise to continue your work in the fight to destigmatize mental illness, and I am grateful I will always have you to look to for strength.
It's been a few days now since you've left, and the hole in my heart has begun to stop feeling as deep. It still hurts, and it always will every time I think of you. But the pain has started to subside, because I've realized that you'll never really be gone. I still feel your shining presence surrounding me and comforting me every single day, and I know now that a spirit as bright as yours can never truly die. I take solace in the fact that you lived your life so boldly that the waves you made will continue to ripple for eternity.
I miss you, I miss you, I miss you. I still don't understand why you had to leave when you did; we could really use your guidance and reassurance in what's sure to be a tumultuous and uneasy time for our country this coming year. I don't understand any of this - death is disorienting and weird. I've been trying and failing to make sense of it all, and the only thing I am certain of is how much you mean to me. Thank you for being my guiding light, and I hope you know how much you are loved. I miss you every day and I hope that in whatever comes next, I will find you and tell you all this myself. Until then, rest easy. May the force always be with you.
With love,
Casey
