The Summer Olympics is on and with it, a sense of nationalistic enthusiasm for our country's finest and hot-of-bod athletes. Every four years I get unnaturally pumped to see little Mikey Phelps swim like someone tossed a joint in the deep end, and every four years I lie motionless on the couch for two weeks watching people who have trained to be at the pinnacle of physical fitness. But this year, I'm just not feeling it. Let's be honest, the Olympics are getting old. They've been doing the same crap for like 100 years now. My interest is a constantly waning state and I require things like explosions and laugh tracks to keep me interested. The four-year waiting period is no longer enough time for me to forget what to expect from the Olympics, and if there isn't a change soon I'll be forced to go on the Internet and complain. Luckily for the International Olympics Committee, I've saved them the trouble of having to brainstorm new ideas and can pass the torch on a few ways to make the Olympics less stale. You better start taking notes, IOC.

"Why can't napping and binge-watching be Olympic sports?" Don't listen to these people, IOC. You need to preserve the honor that the founders of the Olympics had in mind when the games were conceived, but it wouldn't hurt to diddle with the formula. Not just anything can be a sport, but a little creativity never hurt anyone. I suggest combining sports to make them more interesting, and by interesting I mean violent. Consider the sports of diving and shooting. Pretty boring on their own, right? I'm not into watching something that has to be slowed down in order to appreciate it, which is the sole reason why twerking shouldn't be an Olympic sport. Imagine if we had the world's best divers trying to evade the world's best shooters? You can't tell me you wouldn't watch the finest flailers on Earth attempting to dodge the deadly aim of minute marksmen. If this sounds unfair we could give the divers guns as well. I know what you're thinking. Obviously I would propose this idea because I'm an American and we would sweep the shooting portion of this competition. How dare you? That joke about an American winning a gold medal in shooting was low-hanging fruit before it was made. I'm just trying to spice up your boring games with some fresh new 'tude. I guess if you're afraid of a little blood in the water, we could have NASCAR be an Olympic sport. You think anyone would watch that? Didn't think so.

Another way to boost what I'm sure is a paltry viewership is to get some drama going. People love drama because people are jerks, like you and me. We get athletes to stimulate some daily Twitter trash-talk between each other about a year in advance, so when the Olympics arrive, the tension is even more palpable. One Olympian could tweet to another something like, "I'm gonna beat you in the sport that we both practice because I'm better than you at that sport we both practice." Burned! Then the competitor could be all, "I disagree. I think it is in fact I who will be taking the gold medal in that sport we both practice because I've been putting in a lot of honest effort and dedication into my training lately." Scorched! And then, a third contender from a country that I can't pronounce will chime in with, "I apologize for interrupting, but you are both mistaken. It is actually I who will be taking the gold medal in next year's sport that we all practice because I am a worthy opponent with an infallible spirit and desire for glory." #ShotsFired. For good measure, get some locker room footie of Olympians heckling the British athletes about the Brexit fiasco. Talk about awkward!

And we need better venues for these games, ASAP. The world's most beautiful and exotic places and Salt Lake City just don't cut it anymore. I'm not suggesting you come to my town. Don't be ridiculous! There's enough traffic around here as it is. What I'm suggesting is that we pool all of the world's resources together and create a humongous "sport-dome" at the very bottom of the ocean floor. I'm a little sketchy on the details in terms of how any of this would work, but I'm sure you can perfect my idea with a little elbow grease and know-how. Pray to Poseidon for help, I don't know. Don't like water? Let's put it on the moon. We're not using it for anything. And this way everyone could watch the Olympics without television or an internet connection. These are definitely more exciting locations than Rio de Janeiro, which roughly translates to Generic River.

IOC, I know hearing this is gonna be rough, especially because you're probably not in charge of this, but you gotta fire all of these TV commentators and get new ones. I was watching cycling last week and an announcer actually said, "That move was taken from the textbook of how to go downhill fast." Yuh-huh. That's usually how you win a cycling race, bub. I'm sure it's not easy to talk pep non-stop, especially during an intense sport like cycling, but add something to the event. Tell a joke, maybe. "Why did the cyclist go downhill fast? Because the textbook said so and I'm actually a robot, please fire me."

So there you have it. These are just a few ways to make the Olympics more entertaining and profitable. Because that's what the Olympics should primarily be, entertainment, not a global celebration of human determination and physical capability. These athletes deserve better. They've trained hard to be here, and they deserve more than literally the same old song every four years, especially when they only get one shot at the gold. And that's another problem. You can't spell "gold" without "old," so it's time to update those prizes. Give them a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory, $50 minimum. Don't skimp, this is the Olympics. I feel like I've only said negative stuff, so I'll give some positives about the Olympics before I go. Fencing is dope and badminton is baller. And curling is the greatest Olympic sport ever, I look forward to the Winter Olympics for that very reason, and I'm completely serious. Consider what I've said, and tell Zeus that Bobby says hi.