The moment I wake up in the morning I am overcome with a feeling of panic. It seems strange that the first thing that pops into my mind when I open my eyes is everything I have to do during I am able to finally go to sleep that evening. Lately I have been finding myself wondering, "Will this uncomfortable feeling of numbness ever go away?" My body feels as if I am unable to experience joy or pure happiness for more than a few minutes before I remember how stressed out I am. Sometimes I feel guilty taking a break from school work to watch Netflix or taking long naps, but often it is a necessity if I don't want to entirely lose my mind.
The thing is, I do not just experience stress over school. My struggle with anxiety has affected me for as long as I can remember. For a very, very long time, I was in denial that there really was an issue regarding my depression and anxiety. I would feel anxious if I wasn't at least ten minutes early to school every day, and the need to control and plan events not happening for multiple weeks often lead me to shed tears of fear. My anxiety got to the point where it was unbearable. My high levels of anxiety caused me to become depressed. I felt my life was spiraling out of control, and I didn't think I would ever feel better. After some serious soul searching, a heart-to-heart talk with my parents, and a mini medical evaluation from my father, I realized I needed to do something to help myself. The night I discussed my depression and anxiety with my dad was the first time I had ever directly addressed my inner demons out loud and with another person. I felt vulnerable at first, but eventually I got over the fear of being judged and accepted help. I started taking an antidepressant that also treated anxiety two days later. I am still afraid to share this part of my life with others, and even my closest friends. I am hoping one day I can fully accept my mental illness, but for now I feel embarrassed about it majority of the time.
This morning I woke up feeling stressed and afraid to get out of bed. With finals coming up and the end of the semester, I have had more essays and assignments to do than I have all semester. Even though I have been on medication now to treat my mental illness for about either months, I still experience moments of sadness and extreme self-doubt. I am hopeful that the future will bring positivity and healing. I am not entirely sure if my anxiety and depression will ever go away, but I do know that being faced with the challenges that have come along has made me a much stronger person.
