I've spent a lot of time thinking about if I should write this or not. The reason I decided to is because I think often about the hurt I have caused you. As I sit back and think about my life and the things I have done in my 19 years, I am pained by the pain I have caused others.

That is why I have to say this: I am sorry.

Some of you have done some things to deserve the pain I have caused you but a lot of you have not. Some of you have accepted my apologies before, but most of you have never gotten one. Maybe that's because I was never brought to this point and now I am. I guess it doesn't really matter.

I am sorry to my family, my old teachers, my parents, my failed friendships, my mentors, and everyone else.

When I was born, some of my family believed that I had a disability. They put me through tests and scans, and my father practically refused to take me home from the hospital. Before I could talk, I already was not what they wanted. For this, I'm sorry.

When I was five, I took scissors and cut my long, thick hair down to the scalp. I went from a pretty little girl to an awkward looking boy. I can still hear my mother's scream and I can still see my father's belt. I remember the disappointment I caused both of them. I remember that that same disappointment never really went away. For this, I am sorry.

When I was 13, my mother went missing for hours and almost died by suicide. That same night I was more worried about going on my retreat than finding her, so I went on the retreat. That Sunday, I remember standing by the hospital bed while she was still on a ventilator and crying. I wasn't there when I was supposed to be. For this, I am sorry.

When I was 14, my mother was incarcerated. That morning I went to school and she emailed me and asked me if I wanted to be picked up to go with her to court. All of my other siblings said yes, but I said no. I was once again not there when I should have been. For this, I am sorry.

When I was 15, a case was opened against my father and brother through Children's Services. I remember thinking extensively about whether or not to tell about the sexual abuse my brother was doing to us. This was the exact time I failed my sister by lying to the caseworker, pretending like everything was great. If I would've been honest, it may have ended. In this situation, I failed a lot of people. For this, I am sorry.

When I was 16, I remember going into my favorite teacher's classroom after school and complaining about everything. I remember sending email after email of pure emotion. I asked her for suggestions and then constantly came back telling her how wrong they were. I wasted her time, energy, and emotions. For this, I am sorry.

When I was 18, I looked at the front of my brick home and said goodbye. I looked at my sister and relied on the fact that she was going to be at my move-in dinner...she never came, so I never got to say goodbye. Every wound is still fresh and bleeding. They're never closed. For this, I am sorry.

When I was 18, I picked fights with two of the best friends I've ever had. I said things that I regret saying and I read things I regret reading. When we fell out, a part of me went with them. Though things are better now, things will never be the way they were before this happened. I was a shitty friend and person. For this, I am sorry.

When I was 18, I started going to the Counseling Center at UD. I thought I was going to go once and never go back. I continued going and still go in there and most days, I lie. I lie because I'm scared and because I don't know what would happen if I was honest. Even though I know she'd only help me, I feel like a waste of her time. For this, I am sorry.

When I was 19, I started treating adult mentors, who were like my family, very poorly. I pretended to them and frustrated them. I disappointed them with my grades, lack of progress, and my behaviors, so I felt like I had to walk away. I disappointed them just like I disappointed my own parents. For this, I am sorry.

There are not enough apologies to go around to all of the people that I know I've hurt. But I know that one thing is for sure is that just because I've apologized, doesn't mean the hurt is gone. I guess that's just life, though. It's all about "closure".

When that comes, I don't know...