The amount of times I’ve tried talking myself into having children one day is far too many to count.
You may ask, “Why would you ever talk yourself into having kids?” Well, for one, it is incredibly hard to actively be dating in this generation when 100% of the men I’ve been involved with have seen themselves having kids in the future.
So, instead of being upfront and saying that I don’t ever want to have them, I lie.
I lie in hopes that my lie will eventually turn into the truth for me one day; and that one day, I will welcome the idea of little-ones with open arms. But, after years of telling myself this, I’m finally becoming comfortable with the fact that I don’t want kids – I will never want kids – and that’s okay.
The first thing my mom said to me when I told her I didn’t want to have kids was, “Good. They’re awful.”
This doesn't make me any less human, but apparently, my views on being a parent aren’t so welcomed in my parent’s and grandparent’s generations. Not wanting to be a mom makes me selfish, heartless, and inconsiderate.
Mostly, I get a judgmental scowl and I’m forced to answer the dreaded question of “why?”
But, sometimes, I can just feel the slap in the face people so badly want to give me when I tell them I don’t want children. Sometimes, it’s so hard to explain the ‘why’ part that I just smile, shrug, and say “I don’t know.” It’s a topic I stray away from because it makes me feel like an outsider. I don’t even know how many people will truly relate to this article, but for those that do, I’m writing for you.
My reasoning for not wanting kids is three-fold:
1. The idea of giving birth makes me squeamish.
I am by no means a radical feminist, but let me tell you- if you presented the idea of childbirth in all its glory to a man, you can’t tell me he’d be elated at the idea either. I cannot fathom the thought of having a living thing inside me for 9 months that just continues to grow and grow.
My fingers and toes cringe at the idea of going through months of unpleasing bodily changes and altered hormone levels. No, I’m not that girl that’s worried about “getting fat.” The feeling of a human foot tickling the interior wall of my stomach pains me to think about. Seeing it typed out doesn’t make me feel that much better about it either.
2. I don't have maternal instincts.
When it comes to holding a child, I'm flustered and uncomfortable. Having motherly instincts is not like gaining an acquired taste for beer. You either have instincts or you don’t. You know those videos of mothers crying when the doctor hands them their baby for the first time in the hospital bed? I wouldn’t have that reaction. In fact, I’d have no reaction at all.
Then, some will say, “you never know until it’s your child.”
But, that’s just it! If you don’t know if you will have maternal instincts until you have a child, why would you want to run the risk of having that child, not having those instincts, and then failing to be a good –– or even sub-par –– parent.
I grew up in a broken household: Divorced parents, split custody, two Christmases, two birthdays etc. To my surprise, I turned out very normal (whatever that means). My mom was the greatest single-parent a kid could ask for, and my views on raising a child have nothing to do with her or how I was brought up.
But, part of me knows that if I were in my mom’s situation, I would not have been as successful and would have, for lack of a better word, royally screwed my child.
3. I want to be so damn good at my job that I won't have time for children.
Another argument I seem to hear a lot is “What will you do with all your time and money if you don’t have children to take care of or provide for?” Well, actually, there are a lot of selfless options there. I could pay off all my student loans straight out of college; gain stability for a few years; put more time into my social life; take my mom on a nice vacation.
But I have this outrageous dream to be the best designer I can possibly be: the next Zaha Hadid or Frank Lloyd Wright.
To be the best at my job, it takes endless amounts of research, experience, and dedication. My company office will be my second home, and I don’t want to have time to do anything else. I want to be able to go wherever my job takes me. Starting a family would heavily deprive me of accomplishing that dream.
And for those who are wondering – yes, I still want to one day get married and experience life with someone else (as I'm sure most of us do).
But one person (and maybe a few cats) to spend it with is enough for me. Luckily, my mom has been super supportive with this and doesn’t mind that I won’t be giving her grandchildren one day. I think she has a little bit of hope left inside of her that I will, but unfortunately, the only grandbabies I’ll be giving her are fur-babies.
