At 3 am on a Monday, I sat looking out my dorm window at the lights of Detroit, like I'm in an indie music video and decided to analyze my life. I decided to read some of my sad little memoirs from high school. I came across a piece I had written after a breakup three years ago that made me think.

Reading it I could see how hard I had tried to pretend I had lots of life experience and had really been through it. It was supposed to be "deep", but it really was just bullshit. I had written about love; specifically how hard it is, but worth believing in. When I wrote this memoir, I was depressed, had been abused and needed something positive to cling to. Apparently, that was this idealistic idea of love.

Having grown since the days of writing this memoir, I see it's flaws. I was basically a kid when I wrote it. I had never been in love. The emotions I experienced with people I thought I loved, were emotions of desperation. I was abused by my mother and couldn't feel love in that relationship; I had never had a father I could trust after being molested, I hated myself, my body and my mental illness, my boyfriend broke up with me because of it. So, I got on Tinder and dove head first into anything that could potentially become a relationship. I knew that I needed validation, I'd heard it enough in therapy. But, what I didn't know was that validation would become almost an addiction. This addiction masqueraded itself in my head as love. But, it definitely wasn't love. It couldn't be. I didn't even know what it felt like to love myself, how could I know what external love was, let alone really experience it?

I still can't tell you what external love feels like; but, I can tell you I have learned a lot about love since, particularly what love is not.

I learned that there was no love in the way my parents treated me; deprecation in the name of support is not love. I learned that changing for someone is not love. I learned that love is not one-way. I learned that the words "I love you" mean nothing without action. I learned that love does not have to be from others, and only recently I learned that the only love I have ever experienced is the love of myself.

After nearly two decades of self-deprecation and deprecation from those who supposedly loved me, I was stuck in a void. This void was created by the desperation that was perpetuated by temporary validation. I realized after many desperate moves, that I only needed validation from one person. That person was me, and that validation couldn't just fill the void, I had to freakin' love myself. It can be hard sometimes to appreciate and love yourself. I know I'm not perfect, I often look in the mirror and don't like what I see; that can be because of how I look, or because I did something I regret. But, I know that the understanding of flaws and mistakes is a part of love. I know just because I don't look perfect every time I look in the mirror doesn't mean I don't often look bangin'. I know that even though I might wake up on a Saturday morning to a snapchat story I don't remember, I had fun and learned that Patrón is not my drink anymore. I know that I will mess up and have bad days, but I am growing and learning everyday, and in the end it all makes me the person I love. That was something that I did not understand or even know to be possible.

I concluded the memoir with a sappy comment about believing in love and knowing that someday it will happen to me. I really believed love came from someone else, and while I still believe it can, I don't need it that way to be happy now. That "someday" came a hell of a lot sooner than young me thought it would. Love happened to me because I realized there was no need for a boyfriend or a mom; just appreciation for a strong, beautiful woman. That is the love that happened to me, and the love that I will always believe in. I admit that I do still hope to one day fall in love with someone else, but until I can actually attest to what love from someone else feels like, I will stick with the love I know; the love of your flawed, beautiful, frustrating and strong self. And, regardless of what happens in the future, I will always be the love I need.