I know what it's like to live with depression and anxiety. For the past five years, it has been an uphill battle to wake up in the morning and decide I'm going to be an active participant in the day. When I open my eyes, I feel exhausted. I could have slept for 10 years straight, and I am still so tired. When I finally get out of bed, I have an irrational fear that something will inevitably go wrong with the day, so then I treat the day accordingly. When I walk on campus and I see someone looking at me, I think they're looking at all of my visible flaws. I'm always worried someone will dislike me as soon as they meet me, and I always forget that in order to dislike someone, you have to know them. Living with a depression/anxiety combo is worrying about how things are going but being too tired to fix them. It's shutting out everyone who is just trying to love you because you're too worried about being rejected before they even get the chance to do it. But mostly, it's getting sad at random times and crying for an hour until your mascara is running down your face and you find yourself not being able to get up off of the kitchen floor.
I also know what it's like to love someone with depression and anxiety. Secondhand, of course. You try so hard to tell them every day that they're beautiful, but they don't believe you. You try so hard to tell them every day that they're loved, but they don't see how anyone ever could. And when they're crying, you try to comfort them but the cries soon become moans, the air runs thin and suddenly, they can't catch a breath. How are you supposed to love someone who finds it hard to love themselves?
Sometimes, there will be silence, and it can be deafening. You'll want, more than anything, to talk it out with them, but maybe the best thing for them is sitting in silence while they navigate the mess in their head. Speaking from experience, the last thing a depressed person wants is someone causing a fuss while they're already wigging out.
More than anything, when you love someone with depression, you have to be flexible and selfless. I understand it's hard to give so much love and feel as if you're always doing something wrong because they're always sad. Remember, it's not your fault they feel this way. It's not your fault they cry or stare into space for hours or disappear for hours at a time. But also remember, they're not looking for someone to fix them. They're looking for someone to stroke their hair and say, "I'm sorry, I know this sucks." Being patient while they work on themselves is the best way to love someone.
For the depressed, I know it sucks. Believe me, I know it well. Don't suppress what you're feeling. In my experience, bottling it up will cause you to explode with emotion a little down the road. Do what you think is best for you, but don't ever stop trying to get better. Always remember, it's a bad day, not a bad life.
For the ones who love someone who is depressed and/or anxious, you're doing everything right. Don't get discouraged if, after you love on them for four hours straight, they're not better. Depression doesn't get better over night because it's not just something you can get over. Continue with your patience and unconditional love, and the rest will come in time.
