21 Excuses You Can Use To Avoid Drinking In College

21 Excuses You Can Use To Avoid Drinking In College

"I'm saving my first drink to be a crisp scotch with Bill Murray."

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*Disclaimer: it is okay to drink; it is okay to not drink*

Hi, I'm Riley and I don't drink at this point in my life. Not only that, but I'm in college! The pinnacle of ~fun alcohol time~, right?

I know what you're thinking: my college experience is a sad, dreary snooze-fest. Woe is me! However, my time in a university has been (and continues to be) a happy, delightful adventure.

Sober, I am doing all the activities that students who drink do. This includes the seemingly intimidating parties, dinners, etc. where folks engage in communal drinking. Here, I understand that turning down drinks is difficult! You know, the whole psychology of peer pressure, yada yada. But, staying sober is completely possible with the help of some handy-dandy excuses.

Obviously, "because I don't feel like it" is a perfectly legitimate reason, but there will always be pushy people who cannot take "nope" for an answer. So, here are some lighthearted ways to turn down the offer.

1. “I am on a dry season because I am a student athlete. Want to feel my muscles?” 

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2. “No, thanks! I am the designated driver tonight!” 

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(And every night, but they do not have to know that.)

3. “The last time I drank, I accidentally sent my nudes to my Calculus professor, who, funnily enough refused to give me an extension on my homework afterwards. Anyway, I dropped that class.”

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4. “I am already suuuper drunk right now!” 

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(It helps if you trip over as you say this one. Really sell it.)

5.  “I have to write an entire paper on “Paradise Lost” when I get home because it’s due tomorrow at 8 a.m.”

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6. “I have a weird family history with drinking, so I’d rather not risk it. Both of my parents, all of my siblings, my cousin Bobby, and my dog are all alcoholics!”

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7. “I only drink Cheval Blanc 1947 St-Emilio (Bordeaux, France).” 

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(This wine costs over one hundred grand.)

8.  “I ought to help my pal get home safe.” 

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9. “I’m saving my first drink to be a crisp scotch with Bill Murray.” 

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10.  “My roommate is getting up tomorrow at the crack of dawn and I don’t want to kill him/her if he/she wakes me up while I am hungover.”

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11. “I literally just don’t want to drink. Run along now, nerd.”

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12. “My parents think I'm at the library and I have to call them later.”

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13. "I am celiac and the gluten in beer makes me crazy sick.”

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14. “Ew, no. Who are you all kidding?! Alcohol tastes nasty.”

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15. “No, I already have the confidence I need to talk to cute boys/girls.” 

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16. “Maybe later! I am pacing myself!”

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17. “Hey! Look over there!” 

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(Run away.)

18. “I’m pregnant.”

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(This is a great excuse, especially if you can have a food baby during the event.)

19. Just scream until they walk away. 

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20. “Can’t! It is because of my diet! Did you know that two beers add three hundred calories to your day? Ugh, Whole 30 over Freshman 15, am I right?” 

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21. “I don’t think my sponsor would like me messing up my twelfth step in AA.” 

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75 Of The Most Iconic Vine Quotes

"I smell like beef"

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Vine may be dead but Vine references live on. I still watch Vine threads AT LEAST twice a day. Here are 75 of the most quotable vines:

1. "Ooooooo, he needs some milk."

2. "Hi, welcome to Chili's."

3. "It is Wednesday, my dudes."

4. "Country boy, I love you ahhhwweelhwh..."

5. "Escalera oooooooaaaa!"

6. "F**k ya chicken strips!"

7. "Barbecue sauce on my titties."

8. "Gimme your F**KING money!"

9. "That was legitness."

10. "Ms. Keisha, MS. KEISHA! Oh my f**king God, she f**king dead."

11. "Fre-sha-vocado."

12. "Staaaahp! I coulda dropped my croissant!"

13. "That's my OPINION."

14. "You're not my dad, ugly ass f**king noodle head."

15. "What the f**k, Richard."

16. "This bitch empty, YEET!"

17. "Road work ahead? Yeah, I sure hope it does."

18. "What up, I'm Jared I'm 19, and I never f**king learned how to read."

19. "Um, I'm never been to oovoo javer."

20. "My God, they were roommates."

21. "Why are you running, why are you running?"

22. "Whoever threw that paper, your mom's a hoe."

23. "I can't swim."

24. "Lebron James."

25. "It's an avocado, thanksssss..."

26. "Mother trucker dude, that hurt like a butt cheek on a stick."

27. "Watch your profanity."

28. "I love you bitch, I ain't never gonna stop loving you, biiiiiitch."

29. "What are thoooooose?"

30. "I smell like beef."

31. "You better stop."

32. "What the F**K IS UP KYLE?"

33. "Come get y'all juice."

34. "Two bros, chilling in a hot tub, 5 feet apart cause they're not gay."

35. "So you just gonna bring me a birthday gift on my birthday to my birthday party on my birthday with a birthday gift?"

36. "I wanna be a cowboy, baby."

37. "Why you always lying?"

38. "Nice Ron" "I sneezed, oh, what, am I not allowed to sneeze?"

39. "I'm washing me and my clothes."

40. "Honey, you've got a big storm coming."

41. "XOXO, gossip girl."

42. "Shoutout to all the pear."

43. "A potato flew around my room before you came."

44. "Chipotle is my life."

45. "Look at all those chickens!"

46. "YOU BETTER STOP."

47. "I like turtles."

48. "It's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen in my life, watermelon, INSIDE A WATERMELON."

49. "Deez nuts, HA GOT EM?"

50. "F**k you, I don't want no ravioli."

51. "21."

52. "I'm in my mum's car, broom broom."

53. "Iridocyclitis."

54. "You know what, I'm about to say it."

55. "That is NOT correct."

56. "Uh, I'm not finished" "Oh my God, can you let me do what I need to do?"

57. "I have osteoporosis."

58. "ADAM."

59. "Merry Chrysler."

60. "Wait a minute, who ARE you?"

61. "Try me, bitch."

62. "When will you learn, THAT YOUR ACTIONS HAVE CONSEQUENCES?"

63. "I didn't get no sleep cause of y'all, y'all not gone get no sleep cause of me!"

64. "Do you want to go see Uncle Cracker or no?"

65. "So no head?"

66. "You got eczema."

67. "I am shooketh."

68. "Hey my name is Trey, I have a basketball game tomorrow."

69. "Can I PLEASE get a waffle?"

70. "There is only one thing worse than a rapist." "A child."

71. "Ah f**k, I can't believe you've done this."

72. "Bitch, I hope the f**k you do."

73. "Two shots of vodka."

74. "F**k off Janet, I'm not going to your f**king baby shower."

75. "JEEEEEZ, Jesus Christ."

Cover Image Credit:

Vine/Katie Ryan

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Drinking 'Bulletproof' Butter Coffee And 9 Other Diet Myths That Need To Die

Low carb. Low fat. No fat. Bullshat.

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I want to start this article with total transparency. I don't partake in any crazy or restrictive diet, and yes, I consider myself healthy, in-shape, and happy all year round. That being said, if any of the diets or foods I list below make you happy and you are satisfied with how you look and feel, continue to do that. No matter what I write or post online, I always want people to know that happiness is based on the person and not a label.

However, there are some diet habits that I can scientifically disprove, as well as disprove from how I've seen others approach them.

1. Drinking celery juice is magical

People are hailing celery juice as the cure-all for every ailment, the superfood of the century. Celery juice is over 90% water (Google it), and the rest of it is essentially fiber and micronutrients. That's it. It's not bad for you. But it is not some miracle cure that is going to fix a horrible diet.

2. Eating too much fruit will make you fat

To quote my friend Jordan Syatt, "NOBODY EVER GOT FAT FROM EATING FRUIT." Seriously, quote how high fruit is on the Glycemic Index, talk about the carbs, but really use your common sense here. Do you REALLY think that eating fruit is going to make you fat? Have you ever seen a fit person get fat from having a banana? I'm going to go munch on some cantaloupe while you contemplate that.

3. The time of day you eat will determine how much weight you gain or lose

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A simple fact of fat loss is calories in versus calories out, and so many fake fitness "professionals" want to overcomplicate this (usually to sell some BS information). What it is you are eating, not the time of day you eat it, determines body composition. Two meals or six meals a day, if they both add up to 2,400 calories, it makes no difference.

4. You have to have protein within 30 minutes of lifting

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Ah, the anabolic window, something I believed in for years. The idea that you have to have protein for recovery within 30 minutes to an hour of your workout or you won't gain muscle. While consuming protein both before and after your workouts is ideal for optimum recovery, it's mostly about the amount of protein you consume each day that determines your ability to build muscle.

5. Carbs will make you fat

I won't go into the science too deeply here, but there is evidence showing that an insulin spike from consuming a lot of carbohydrates at once can inhibit lypolisis (the breakdown of fat). This is why people might avoid carbs if they are educated. However, as long as your body is in a lypoliptic (fat breaking down) state longer than a lypogenic (fat creating state), you will not gain fat. How does one ensure this? Calories in < calories for weight maintenance.

6. Butter coffee actually helps you lose weight

You can watch this amazing video above from Healthline, but here's the tl;dr: Butter coffee is professed as an amazing breakfast replacement because it's less than 500 calories. The problem? Those calories are almost all fat (hello, butter) and no other nutrients.

You're turning a five-calorie cup of coffee into something that is actually bad for you long term (LDL cholesterol and all of those horrible things large quantities of saturated fats do to us). From experience, it's better to consume 500 calories of real food. Keto diet aside, does the idea of consuming this much butter every day seem like it would make you lose weight? I'll sip my non-buttered coffee while you think on that.

7. Skinny teas actually work

I think everyone has seen someone from their high school who has posted on Facebook and Instagram about selling detox teas and promising results quickly. Detoxing? Yeah, that's what your liver and kidneys do for you (might I add for free!) every day. Again, fat loss is about calories in versus calories out, along with stress management and exercise.

8. Keto is the key for losing fat hella quickly

I have many, many strong opinions about keto but I choose to withhold them here because I know for some people, that is what makes them happy and I support them with that. What does keto do? It is a high-fat, low-to-no carb diet that forces your body to use ketones (stored body fat) as energy.

Yes, this will make you lose fat because you are literally starving your body. But it is not the "healthiest" way, the most sustainable way, or the only way to lose fat. The reason I don't like keto? Very few people can sustain it in the long term, and even binge on dieting after giving it up (effectively causing more fat gain).

9. You can eat what you want as long as you use a waist trimmer

This has to be the biggest joke I have ever seen before. People ACTUALLY buy these things and think it will magically compress fat out of their bodies because they eat like garbage. Other than liposuction, no physical device is going to magically transform your body.

I'm not mad at the people who want to lose weight but at the snake oil salespeople who outright deceive people. Yes, wraps will make your stomach look smaller for probably 20-30 minutes – it's called water displacement. That's it. Thank you, next.

10. Fats aren't good for you, so don't eat them

I mean, it makes sense right? Fat can make you fat? No. There are different kinds of fats, but the ones you are wanting to limit (you don't have to always avoid them) are saturated fats and trans fats, like those found in red meats and fried foods. Unsaturated fats, like in avocados, lean meat (like fish), and nuts actually help regulate your hormones, provide ample energy, and support many other bodily functions.

Hopefully, you've gained something from this article. So what is my approach to dieting? Common sense and making everything flexible. I am intentional and calculated about all of the foods that I eat, but I don't restrict myself. Doing so allows me to see the results that I want and stay happy. I hope on your journey to figuring out your dieting approach, you find the same happiness.

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