*Disclaimer: it is okay to drink; it is okay to not drink*
Hi, I'm Riley and I don't drink at this point in my life. Not only that, but I'm in college! The pinnacle of ~fun alcohol time~, right?
I know what you're thinking: my college experience is a sad, dreary snooze-fest. Woe is me! However, my time in a university has been (and continues to be) a happy, delightful adventure.
Sober, I am doing all the activities that students who drink do. This includes the seemingly intimidating parties, dinners, etc. where folks engage in communal drinking. Here, I understand that turning down drinks is difficult! You know, the whole psychology of peer pressure, yada yada. But, staying sober is completely possible with the help of some handy-dandy excuses.
Obviously, "because I don't feel like it" is a perfectly legitimate reason, but there will always be pushy people who cannot take "nope" for an answer. So, here are some lighthearted ways to turn down the offer.
1. “I am on a dry season because I am a student athlete. Want to feel my muscles?”
2. “No, thanks! I am the designated driver tonight!”
(And every night, but they do not have to know that.)
3. “The last time I drank, I accidentally sent my nudes to my Calculus professor, who, funnily enough refused to give me an extension on my homework afterwards. Anyway, I dropped that class.”
4. “I am already suuuper drunk right now!”
(It helps if you trip over as you say this one. Really sell it.)
5. “I have to write an entire paper on “Paradise Lost” when I get home because it’s due tomorrow at 8 a.m.”
6. “I have a weird family history with drinking, so I’d rather not risk it. Both of my parents, all of my siblings, my cousin Bobby, and my dog are all alcoholics!”
7. “I only drink Cheval Blanc 1947 St-Emilio (Bordeaux, France).”
(This wine costs over one hundred grand.)
8. “I ought to help my pal get home safe.”
9. “I’m saving my first drink to be a crisp scotch with Bill Murray.”
10. “My roommate is getting up tomorrow at the crack of dawn and I don’t want to kill him/her if he/she wakes me up while I am hungover.”
11. “I literally just don’t want to drink. Run along now, nerd.”
12. “My parents think I'm at the library and I have to call them later.”
13. "I am celiac and the gluten in beer makes me crazy sick.”
14. “Ew, no. Who are you all kidding?! Alcohol tastes nasty.”
15. “No, I already have the confidence I need to talk to cute boys/girls.”
16. “Maybe later! I am pacing myself!”
17. “Hey! Look over there!”
(Run away.)
18. “I’m pregnant.”
(This is a great excuse, especially if you can have a food baby during the event.)
man running in forestPhoto by 
