We all have that one person. That one person that we really want to be with, but for one reason or another it just isn't going to work out. That one person that we are constantly thinking about, waiting by our phones in hopes he randomly hits us up out of the blue. That one person that is very good at playing the game, giving us all the signals that he's interested in something more.
I don't know about you, but sometimes I wish he knew exactly how he made me feel. Don't get me wrong, after some time, distance, and tears, I have come to terms with the fact that he isn't ready to be what I want. However, I do hope that he comes across this article somehow and realizes just how much I loved him.
I remember the day that I met him like yesterday. It was during the first week of my freshmen year at Penn State. It was in the basement of Carnegie, and you were wearing that unbuttoned flannel and your brown hair was perfectly spiked. You looked so put together and before you even opened your mouth, I already had those nervous butterflies in my stomach. I was already plotting a way for you to notice me, a way to "just happen" to sit next to you or be put into your group for an assignment. I just needed an excuse to talk to you because I was too shy to say hi on my own.
This excuse came when I least expected it, like all the good things in life. I was walking around campus later that evening with my friend. She said hi to you outside the Pollock Dining Commons and we were finally introduced. We all hung out together later that night and me, being a naive freshman, had no idea how to "play it cool." I was flirting with you like crazy despite you telling me that you had a girlfriend. Thank goodness you were a nice enough guy to not write me off then and there. Somehow I even managed to get your number and snap. I was so excited to see you in class that next week.
Not being able to wait an entire week without being in communication again, I naturally snapped you the following day telling you how happy I was that we got a chance to meet. Although I barely knew you at the time, I had the biggest crush on you. You were that one name that I checked my Snapchat views, Instagram likes, etc. for. You were the one person I would sit around on my phone waiting for you to text me back. I even took a break from my regular uniform of a backward baseball cap and sweats when we had class together in hopes that I would impress you. Sadly, at this point in time, we could just be friends considering that you had a girlfriend and probably weren't even gay. Wanting to be around you though no matter what, I was fine with this and just focused on us becoming closer.
I was really afraid that after our class together ended you wouldn't want to talk to me anymore. That this class was the only reason that we were friends and that you put up with me, rather than genuinely enjoying being around me. I remember seeing you outside the dining commons a week before class ended and confronting you about these feelings (I know I was completely obsessive and crazy). You told me that the only way you could get rid of me was if you deleted all your social media and transferred schools. Surprisingly, you didn't leave Penn State and our friendship continued into the next semester. You even broke up with your girlfriend and told me that you were bisexual...I was so happy!
Unfortunately, timing was never on our side and right after we hooked up, we had to go home for the summer. Even sadder was the fact that you ended up on medical leave the first semester of sophomore year. I tried to just forget about you and write this off as a one-time thing, but no matter how hard I tried...I just couldn't. I would find myself wanting to snap you or text you or do anything to feel close, even when you were no longer at school.
These feelings of wanting to be with you are still very real, except I had to come to terms with the fact that you are not ready to publicly date another guy (something that I am currently tearing up about as I write this).
Here are all of the things I've always wanted to tell you:
For a while, no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't "let you go." I just couldn't get that cute guy from my freshmen seminar out of my head. I just couldn't stop thinking about how perfect our story was...how that boy I had the biggest crush on those first few days of class actually ended up liking me back. How organic and natural our "relationship" was and even more importantly how it was found without the help of any apps.
Throughout the years, we continued to stay in touch. You would hit me up out of nowhere and I would do the same. You even wished me good luck on my journey abroad this past semester out of the blue (something that really touched me).
Thank you for genuinely caring about me. For taking that time to actually get to know me rather than going off of what people say about me. For making me feel so comfortable and cared for. For wanting more than a hookup and remembering the little things I would tell you. For always being there for me if I needed someone to talk to. For being real and honest with me when most people are not. For actually being seen in public with me and getting food together, despite not being as confident in your sexuality and me being so known.
Whenever I talk to a new guy, I always compare him to you. I hope that he can be just half the man you are, and that would be fine with me. Seeing that I am still single, I have not yet been able to find someone as great as you. I am glad that you have set my standards so high and hope that wherever my life goes, you will still be in it.
I love you always,
Ethan
