It's funny how sometimes when we feel so far away from God, our faiths become dry. But then, something in our life happens that draws us back to Him, for when life seems to be going pretty well, we feel as though we don't need God as much. Yet, when life strikes and we find ourselves in a problem, we seek Him out so fast, so hard, and with such force that it even surprises me sometimes. That yearning increases and I suddenly feel terrible that I can be a "bad weather" Christian.

I woke up this morning to realize this pattern after an emotionally stressful night. For most people, when something new pops up, they're able to take it in stride. Yet, for me and many others, it can take a while for us to catch up. I've never really thought of myself of someone who deals with a mental illness, and to be honest, I still don't really. It's such a broad topic with a large range of depth and intensity that it's a hard thing to label, and even harder to "diagnose" because standards can't fit everyone. Even still, I do consider myself who deals with some minor anxiety and it usually hits when I'm overwhelmed. Maybe it's considered a "panic attack." After doing a little research online, I discovered that there are three major types of anxiety: generalized anxiety, which is persistent, everyday anxiety over unrealistic things, panic attacks are random bursts of anxiety that can prevent sleeping and eating, and social anxiety, as well as some other kinds, like specific phobias. In addition, half of those who deal with anxiety are also fighting depression. I guess you could say I "have the blues" sometimes, which is apparently a real thing and not just a saying.

I think it's great that nowadays people are speaking up more about their mental illnesses, because it's such a prevalent, yet hidden thing. More people need to understand why sometimes people act the way they do, yet, every person is different. It's a terrifying thing to tell someone else that there may be something "wrong" with you in the fear of rejection. Another aspect of it is that this is honestly such a private thing. No one else will fully understand how this affects you personally, so it's hard to share it with others. For me personally, I deal with this privately and when there's something that I really feel the need to tell someone, then I'll let them know, but for the most part, I internalize my feelings.

In those moments when a surge of panic arises, I'm usually able to stuff it down for a bit until I can leave to deal with it by myself. That's just how I am. It kind of feels like a tugging, a constriction in my chest that spreads and rises around my chest. I immediately go to the worst-case scenario just to deal with it and get it out of the way. I am the kind of person that likes to know all my options. In the back of my mind, I know this probably won't happen, but that doesn't stop me from worrying about what if it did happen. The entire time, I'm reminding myself to just breathe, in and out, to try and slow the pounding a bit. I focus my attention on that to get my mind off things a bit, internalize it a bit more, and then start exploring my opportunities. Different routes, different paths, different outcomes start to form in my mind and I entertain each idea for a bit before I can feel my heart start to pound again. Back to the worst-case scenario, deepest fears revealed, and I guess you can say this is when "the blues" start to creep in. Sadness washes over my mind as the initial anxiety has passed and I start to focus on the bad. Again, in and out, breathing, focusing, creating, entertaining. It's a process that usually takes a couple waves to pass. After a while, I've exhausted my mind. Reality starts to set in a bit and I can relax for a bit. "It's not so bad." "The world didn't end. I'm still here." "People still love me." "I can do something about this." "It's really not as bad as it seems." "See, you were worried about nothing." Deep breath in, and it's not so bad. I start to see the good things in my life. I can see my overreaction. I can see how things can work out. Although, to be honest, it's not always so easy. Fortunately, last night worked out like this and for that I am grateful. There's still a lingering uncertainty as I am someone incapable of facing the unknown without some skepticism. Usually, by then I'm able to fall asleep and when I wake up, I feel sort of numb. I'm numb to the pain and the anxious feeling has mostly disappeared.

This is when my opening paragraph finally circles back around. I find myself turning to the one thing in my life that's constant, unwavering, sometimes frustrating, but always supportive. My God is a strong God. I fall into that comfort I can only find in this place. I turn my anxiety over to that and trust that He's got a plan. He's got a purpose. He's got great things in store. I pop in those headphones and tune into some good worship music that just sends a constant stream of good reminders into my ears. It is when I am overcome with Him that I am not overcome with worry.