I have been in an on-again, off-again relationship for most of my life. At times the relationship takes a backseat to the rest of my life and I get involved in something or make new friends and sometimes I almost forget I’m even in a relationship. Other times my relationship is all I can think about. We have good days, bad days and sometimes really bad days. On really bad days I don’t want to leave my bed or talk to people because my relationship wont let me. It holds me back. It makes me feel bad about myself and makes me second guess everything I say or do. I have tried to get out of this relationship so many times I have lost count. For a period in high school I didn’t think it was possible to leave my relationship because it can be so controlling and tiring. I hid myself away from my friends because my relationship made me. I didn’t listen to what others had to say because the only voice that I could hear and seemed to matter was from my relationship tearing me down. I have been in this relationship for more than half of my life and it still surprises me.
When I was younger my relationship had complete control of me. I would constantly be wrestling with my relationship to give me more freedom and have more of a say in my life. I learned a lot of people have similar relationships; family members, my classmates, famous people, and complete strangers. Once I learned I wasn’t the only one in this type of relationship, I was able to gain more control. It wasn't a lot, but still more than I had before. I started talking to my friends about my relationship and letting them know when I was having good days and bad days. I was finally getting a hold of my relationship when life happened. However instead of the usual, just letting my relationship take its toll on me and hope I make it out unscathed, I dealt with it head on. I called my relationship out on its bluff and I let people know what was happening to me. I stopped doing nothing and started proving to my relationship that the pain it was causing me didn’t phase me. I became much more independent and stopped caring what my relationship thought of me.
I spoke to professionals about my toxic relationship and learned tips and tricks to not let it control me. I acknowledged the fact that I will always have this relationship, but luckily it will never have to be a steady one that I will have to deal with alone. I stopped hiding my relationship from people and I learned that was all I needed to do to take power away from the relationship. I ignored my relationship and went on with my life. I made new friends and made other friendships stronger. I overcame so many things that my relationship told me I should be afraid of.
On really good days I could even laugh in the face of my relationship and tell it how dumb it was. I will always have this on again off again relationship with anxiety and depression, and I have come to peace with it. I didn’t want this relationship in the beginning and still find it a burden a lot of the time, but I have gained so much from this relationship and have become a stronger person because of it. Anxiety and depression will always have a place in my life, but that doesn’t mean it has to be my entire life.
