I'm A Horrible Girlfriend, Or At Least That's What My Anxiety Tells Me
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I'm A Horrible Girlfriend, Or At Least That's What My Anxiety Tells Me

He may say I'm great, but my head doesn't agree.

I'm A Horrible Girlfriend, Or At Least That's What My Anxiety Tells Me
Camila Cordeiro

Every time I text him to cancel plans, I feel like a horrible girlfriend. Every time I have to tell him that I need a day to just be on my own and decompress, I listen to him say, "babe, it's okay. I need you to take care of you. I can see you when you're ready", I know that deep down he's wondering if he did something wrong.

I hate how hard it is for me to give up control and just go with the flow. How he has learned the exact order and system every time I make myself a cup of tea, so he can make sure he does it exactly the same or I'll get anxious because it's different. How he's had to learn that I have an irrational "fear" of which side he walks on when he's walking next to me and how uncomfortable I get if he's on the wrong side.

Every time I push him away or give him an attitude when something bad happens in my life, I watch his eyes glaze over wondering when I'll finally realize that he's just trying to help me. Trying to be there for me. Trying to show me that I don't have to pretend I don't care or that I'm not hurting. That he's trying to hold me because that's all he want's to do when he knows my heart is breaking.

I hate how I second guess everything I say to him and members of his family. I'll spend hours, sometimes even days, wishing I had worded something differently or wondering how long until his mom talks to him about me with questions he won't have the answers to because he doesn't understand why I am the way I am sometimes, he just knows that's how I am. Or when he'll finally realize that I'm too much for him.

Every time I move away from him when we're sitting next to each other on the couch because I simply can't handle physical contact. I can see how badly he just wants to be near me and yet I can't just be happy about that.

I watch how hard he tries each and every day to show me how much he cares about me and how he truly only see's me in the world. I watch him hand me handwritten letters or CD's he's made for me to listen to in the car full of songs he knows will make me smile or songs that make him think of me. I watch him take time every single day to learn something new about me.

I feel like a horrible girlfriend because my anxiety and depression tell me that I am.

We could be alone together looking for the moon on a clear night, or laughing and telling stories and all of a sudden my anxiety will get the best of me. I'll find myself wondering if it will always be like this. If his face will always light up when he see's me. If it will always take him so long to leave my house after a day of hanging out because he really just doesn't want to leave. Shouldn't these be the moments that make me happiest? Shouldn't I realize how much happier I am when he's around? That I feel more like myself when he's there? And even though I know he isn't going anywhere?

But I still, still find myself stuck in my head waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I feel like a horrible girlfriend because I go through phases where I spend so much time surrounded by people that I'll need time to be completely isolated in order to decompress and be ready to be with people again; he understands this about me. But it doesn't make canceling plans any easier.

My anxiety and depression have me constantly wondering when he will realize he can do so much better than me. That he can find another girl out there who will love nothing more than to cuddle up together on the couch. Who will constantly tell him she misses him. Who will let him hold her when she's upset instead of getting angry with him for trying to be there. Someone who won't lie awake at night feeling like she's being crushed by the weight of the world on her shoulders. When he will realize he can have someone who isn't anxious and depressed all the time, fighting to get out of bed every day.

My anxiety and depression may make me feel like a horrible girlfriend, but you know what? It doesn't matter.

For some reason, this guy has chosen to see all of my "flaws" and struggles and has fallen in love with me anyway. He has looked past everything that holds me down and has shown me that we can get through it together. Together we are learning more and more about each other every day, and we are learning how we can be there for each other. We have accepted that when I'm hurting or sad, he shouldn't touch me, but just being there will soothe me, and when he's struggling, he wants to be held tight and told he's loved.

Whoever made you believe that relationships would always be rainbows and butterflies was full of it. Sometimes relationships will be the most incredible thing you have ever been a part of, and other times it will feel like a terrible heartbreak. But that's how we learn about ourselves and our partner. We also need to remember, even when we do feel like a horrible girlfriend or boyfriend, that this other person has seen us for who we are and they still love us and are still in this relationship with us. From someone who struggles with this on a daily basis, try to believe in yourself. You're perfect just the way you are.

Never give up on love, this world needs a little more of it.

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