Just over five years ago, I graduated from high school. Praise the Risen Lamb I made it out alive with all of my limbs and allmost of my morals intact. High school was a challenge for me, and I do not mean academically. Although, if I am honest, academically I wasn't exactly winning either. I hated everything about high school. I hated the environment, the cliques, the mean girls, the exclusivity, the classes, the people, and so much more.

In the ninth grade, I was the epitome of the word dork. Acne-filled face, pastel purple glasses (yes, I said purple), absolutely no sense of style or coordination, no clue on how to use a straightener or even manage my mane at all and to top it off, I was very soft-spoken and timid. I did not talk to anyone, and no one talked to me, but I was okay with it. I had about three friends, but to be frank, that was good enough for me.

Until one day, in the spring of my freshman year, I traded my purple spectacles in for some beautifully progressive contact lenses. And oh, what a change that made in the eyes of my peers, especially my male counterparts. About one month later (no lie) some sophomore scooped me up and made me his play-thing for the next two-ish years. Skip ahead to the ending of our doomed relationship, and I was left with a broken heart and very little dignity. Shortly after, all my "friends" at the time began to turn against me, as well, because most of my friends were HIS friends too, and surprise, I didn't win them in the custody battle for high school break ups. He won. He got all the friends. He got all the popularity. And he got almost any girl he wanted. His reputation was still intact because he was perpetually and miraculously always seen as the nice guy. At this point, all I had was me. I hated men, I hated most women too, I hated relationships, and I hated all the people involved in them. It was as if I made it my personal vendetta to end all relationships in my high school, by any means necessary. I think you could probably imagine where I am going with this, hence the lack of morals I mentioned in paragraph one. I caused people to stumble and/or cheat, and honestly, it didn't even bother me (not at that time, anyway). In my eyes, all men were going to cheat anyway, so who cares? I am merely speeding up the inevitable. Unfortunately, when you spitefully hurt others for sport, it catches up with you in ways you could not imagine. It started to destroy my soul. I hated who I was. Even looking in the mirror was unbearable, because my reflection reminded me of who I had become and it forced me to remember the young, innocent and kindhearted girl I lost along this devastating path. I drank, I smoked, and I destroyed high school love for a living. My life had become a 2010 CW television show. I needed Jesus SO BAD. And thankfully, He showed up, all I had to do was ask Him to.

After A LOT of "come to Jesus" moments, a ton of prayer, plenty of time with the right mentors, and a huge gut-wrenching change of heart; I finally turned around. It took me a long time to fully understand the repercussions of my mistakes. Even now, I look back and my heart aches for the people that I hurt and the immeasurable pain I carelessly caused. I know that to this day, there are people from my high school who will never trust me, nor will they ever look at me as a decent human being again. I hate that reality, but it is the price I must pay for my transgressions. I hated myself for a very long time, but after years of deliberation with God, I know that is not a very healthy way to live. Jesus forgives me, and I need to forgive me, too.

If you're one of those aforementioned "victims", you might be wondering, "why now?" It's been so many years, why relive the past for some publicity stunt? But bear with me, I wanted to make a public acknowledgment of my foolishness for a reason. I want to openly, publicly, and humbly apologize to those that I have hurt during that confusing time in my life. I have no excuses for you. I have no sob story. And I know it makes no difference to get on my knees and beg. All I can say is that I am sincerely sorry for my actions. I can say with absolute certainty that not one of you deserved this. You did not deserve the trust issues that haunted you for years after you were cheated on. I know this because I did not deserve them either. If you don't take anything else from my apology, please at least recognize the psychology behind it. Hurt people hurt other people. I cannot explain it, but for some reason, it made me feel better to bring others down to my level of misery. I hated the mean girls and the cliques that I encountered during my freshman year of high school, and then somehow, somewhere on this path, I became one of those mean girls in my own unusual way. I was unkind, unreasonable, and so full of vengeance. But Jesus still pursued me relentlessly until I turned around and saw the error of my ways. If there is ever a story of grace that needs to be told, I assure you, it's mine. I was so unworthy, so dirty, and so very far from Him in every possible way. Any person you might have asked at the time would have laughed at the thought of me speaking the gospel in the future, or even calling myself a Christian. It doesn't make any sense. I do not deserve His grace, and I certainly do not deserve a career in ministry, but He has made a way for me. I am so grateful that He has been able to use my brokenness and past mistakes to not only bring me closer to Him but also to bring others closer to Him, as well.

In conclusion, yes, I am sorry for who I was in high school. I am sorry to those who have been scarred by my mistakes, and I am sorry to those who I caused to stumble and fall. But from this day forward, I will not be begging for forgiveness any longer. I will not beat myself up anymore for events that have happened over five years ago. My past will not tarnish my future, I am deciding that from this day forward.

No matter who you have been or how far you have strayed, just know that Jesus Christ is still pursuing you. He loves you. He forgives you. And He wants to start a relationship with you. If He was willing to take a chance on this bruised and brokenhearted teenage girl all those years ago, then I promise, you're worthy of His love, too.

"He has saved us and called us to a holy life—not because of anything we have done but because of his own purpose and grace. This grace was given us in Christ Jesus before the beginning of time." - 2 Timothy 1:9