Unfortunately, everyone’s favorite guilty pleasure just wrapped up another season last week. That’s right, we’re going to have to wait a whole other year to see some other freakishly attractive girl emasculate work her way through 25 guys (don’t worry, fam, we still have Bachelor in Paradise and The Bachelor). After so many seasons of these shows, though, I have to say, I’m a little disappointed. Every year on The Bachelor, I get excited because there’s some down-to-earth, super cool seeming chick that you can just TELL the bachelor is going to send home only to have her return as the next bachelorette. Although, I get kind of let down when that same chick ends up dumbing herself down or whimps out as the bachelorette. Like, stahp.
Seriously, there have been several bachelorettes in the last few years who keep the first impression rose receiver around until the end just because he’s some high quality eye candy. C’mon, ladies; you used to have so much more substance than that!
I have a feeling that being the bachelorette is a lot like being on Jeopardy or some other trivia-related game show; it looks easier than it is when you’re just watching it from your couch while eating ice cream straight out of the container. I can’t say what I would be like as the bachelorette for sure, but there are some things that would really just…not fly if I could call the shots.
1.The first impression rose
Yeah, it seems like a good idea, like “oh let’s name a frontrunner because ratings”, but at the same time, if I really liked the guy, I would LEAST want to put a target on his back like that. Seriously, do contestants ever end up liking the person who gets the first impression rose?
2. That wardrobe
The gowns are beautiful; those can stay, but I wouldn’t want to have to wear a bikini literally every day. I’m not even going to slightly pretend like I could pull that off. We’re having pajama parties; not pool parties, fam.
3. The Dates
Why would I want to just make out with someone in front of a crappy band? I have no desire to jump off a bridge with a guy on our first date. Remember when Desiree and Brooks tried on wedding dresses and tuxes? That just seems awkward for everyone. Let’s make some tie-dye shirts or like play a very competitive game of Uno or something. And I don’t know what fancy dinner they’re planning on serving up, but we’re getting some Domino's pizza, and that’s that.
4. Scenes with Chris Harrison
Okay, so is he just there to step in every 5 seconds to deliver some roses or something? Because sometimes he plays therapist, and I genuinely would want to know what I’m signing up for. Because if he plays therapist, imma need him to be around like…always.
5. Old contestants popping up
Do they just get to control that, or can I like call someone in? Jared? Luke? Marcus (yeah, he’s single again; Lacy went MIA)?
6. Rose ceremonies in general
I hate that it matters who gets the first rose versus the last rose at those things. Like, that’s gotta be mental torture. I’d put all the names in a bowl of the guys I want to keep and just draw them at random- Hunger Games style.
7. The destinations
WHY DOES EVERYONE GO TO TROPICAL PLACES?!?! I don’t want to swim with sharks, I don’t want to explore that cave, I don’t want to eat that weird bug. If I was the bachelorette, we’d be going to Disney parks and like… Canada (guys, I just like Canada; don’t judge me).
8. The image
C’mon, we all know the big elephant in the room; why are there always like 2 black guys and then a whole bunch of white dudes? My season would be a colorful array of men. Time to spice this show up. Also, not every single man needs washboard abs. Bring in more James Taylors; y’all aren’t gonna be sexy forever- just be nice.
9. A suggestion box
Guys get too scared too often to talk to the leading lady about shady figures in the house (I’m talking about you, Chad). I would want to take the pressure off of them and just have a nice, anonymous way for them to tell me all of the issues they’re having.
10. Ban people named Chad
Sorry, any good Chads.
11. Eliminations
If I’m not feeling it with like 8 dudes one week, I just want the freedom to let them go; I also want to be able to let guys stay longer, too. Example: 10 guys left, ditch 5, get a bunch of free pass weeks before deciding who to take to hometowns. Really though, Jojo definitely did not think she was going to pick Alex, did she?
12. The final rose
Why do we have to make the poor fellow going home profess his love before cutting him off as he excitedly gets down on one knee? Spare him at all costs. Also, I’m pretty tired of the waterfront proposals; can we get a flashmob going up in here?
Guys, I would really be the worst at this.
