For years, I was one of those people who swore she'd never, ever watch "The Bachelor." Yet somehow, here I am, writing about it. So as someone who has very little experience with this show and how it works, here are my outsider's first impressions on the premier episode of "The Bachelor," Season 20.
1. OK, so you mean this show has been on for 20 seasons?
And there's also "The Bachelorette," so does that mean there's really been 40 seasons of this madness or do the seasons count for both of them?
2. Oh helloooooo there, Ben Higgins.
OK, maybe this won't be so bad considering your face looks like that.
3. Aw, he loves his town. How cute.
But also, his elementary school is massive and doesn't seem like it belongs in the small town he claims it does. I'm skeptical.
4. Wait, these homecoming parades actually happen in Indiana?
I thought that was just something you see on "The Middle," which is also a great show.
5. He has to pick between 26 of these people?
I can't even decide whether I'd rather have a wrap or a panini at the diner—I'd be terrible at this show.
6. "He's my husband."
No, he's not. I don't think he ever will be either if you claim him as your husband the second you meet him.
7. This Ben Higgins/McDonald's commercial is actually so corny and I love it.
8. Caila seems nice, I like her.
Except for then she broke up with her boyfriend for Ben, so that's a little questionable. I'll give her a chance.
9. Mandy, oh you're too much. You're actually a terrifying dentist.
10. The twins make me want to stab my eyes out.
Why would you and your twin sister want to date the same guy? That seems like a recipe for disaster. They're probably perfectly nice people on their own though, but together, I hate them.
11. Sorry, daughters, I'm abandoning you to go on "The Bachelor."
But actually, she seems really nice. We'll see.
12. Chicken lady, you're too much.
She has framed pictures of her chickens and a framed picture of Ben. "What comes first, the chicken or the Ben?" Oh stop.
13. Lace, I don't like you, and you've just gotten progressively worse throughout the episode.
Someone called her "50 shades of crazy," and yeah, I totally agree. Also, I think she and Ben kind of look like each other, which is a red flag for me.
14. Do these weird entrances happen on every season or is this like, a new thing?
15. Oh, how awkward that Jami brought up Caitlyn.
I don't know anything about Caitlyn other than that Ben was on her season—but still, that was kind of weird.
16. He kept the girl who spoke no English to him?
I mean, maybe one day she'll speak to him in a language he can understand, so I can form a better opinion.
17. I'm sad that he kept Lace and not Laura/Red Velvet, because she seemed nice and Lace is crazy.
18. I guess the first rose ceremony is the easiest one because he has no emotional connections to any of them yet.
19. Also, I'm really glad that the journalist got the first impression rose, because she seemed somewhat sane.
And I'm also a journalism major, so that helps.
20. This show is ridiculous, but I have a feeling I'll be watching it every week because if the first day is crazy, I can't even imagine how the rest of the season will go.
I also kind of hope Huey the mini horse wins.
