As you have probably noticed if you've used a television, the internet, or your ears in the month of August, the 31st Olympiad is well underway in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil. And you know what that means. It's time to witness spectacular skill, honor our era's great athletic heroes from across the globe, and become a five-second specialist in every world sport. To that end, here are some recommendations.
1. Start by spending four years of your life under a rock where no one knows anything about professional sports.
You'll want to aim for a real Rip Van Winkle effect; complete illiteracy will make you that much more impressed with all the modern progress and achievements in the Games.
2. Find out when the Opening Ceremonies/Parade of Nations will be televised and set your expectations high.
3. Cheer for all your nation’s athletes and CHEER for athletes from your state/city because you’re practically family.
You can't miss them because they're the pride of the local news.
4. Find at least one underdog story to follow and emotionally sponsor.
It will not be difficult; you can count on seeing so many extraordinary and beautiful perseverance narratives you'll be hard-pressed to narrow it down.
5. Buy into the drama of at least one rivalry.
5. Wreck your regularly scheduled DVR listings and record all the late-night coverage.
6. Briefly suspend your hatred of commercials because look how suddenly touching and just characteristically Olympic they are right now.
It's like Christmas come early. All the same positivity of holiday ads plus a dose of heartwarming patriotism -- count me in.
7. Hear words like “history-making,” “record-breaking,” and “Olympic first” repeated until they lose all meaning.
With so much talent all in one place, it seems like every event is one for the ages, like somewhere something is constantly being accomplished the fastest/cleanest/most perfectly of all time. Because it pretty much is.
7. Gradually incorporate your own original feedback into every game/match/race/round.
For the full color-commentator effect, be sure to include excited squeaking and voice cracks when something especially incredible happens.
8. Give your country’s athletes vague, loud advice from home so that you get unofficial partial credit for their wins.
Couch coaching -- it's all about vicarious success. Take it where you can get it.
9. Describe event results to other people casually using competitors’ names and sports jargon you picked up because international athletics is your life now.
"Yes, Simone Biles' vault in the individual all-around was exceptional, but there was some controversy over whether her landing would result in a one or two-tenths point deduction."
10. Unwittingly hum the Olympic theme several times a day.
11. Celebrate one of few longstanding, globally interactive/cooperative traditions for the inspiring privilege it really is.
