1.) Pursue "Success" Before Defining It

The number one way to ensure you will never attain success is to not define it. If you don't set clear goals, how could you ever assess whether you've made it? You can't. Of course, a lot of people want to "be successful," but without a specific definition, they might as well say that they want to be gshdmglalfezzypp.

2.) Attach Your Self-Worth to Status or Things, Instead of Virtues and Experiences

We are really good at this. Everyone dreams of fantastic achievements, but who dreams of being a decent human being? Few people do. Most people talk about earning lots of money, or purchasing luxury cars, clothes, homes, etc. This is a cultural problem, if you ask me. But if you never want to be successful, then keep following this line of thinking. You'll end up with some toys, and a wide hole in your soul that money can't fill. Congrats!

3.) Seek the Favor of Others

A lion does not concern himself with the collective opinion of a flock of sheep. A sure way to never be successful then is to act in hopes of getting everyone to like you. If you care deeply and desperately about the opinion of others, you are guaranteed to stifle your own creativity and never be a leader. The ultimate method of achieving zero success.

4.) Trust Anyone Who Does Not Depend On You For Something Vital

Friends, what are they good for? JK ...

5.) Talk More Than You Listen

Ancient Stoic philosopher Epictetus once said, "We have two ears and one mouth so we can listen twice as much as we speak." Naturally, with that sort of wisdom, his words continue to be remembered and admired today. If you don't want that kind of enduring legacy, then don't follow his advice. Keep yapping away. I'm sure you're very entertaining.

6.) Multitask

Look, if you really want to do things poorly and ineffectually, try doing them while doing other things. It works every time. If you give all your moment's focus on one task, you might actually do it well. And you don't want to do that, lest you accidentally become successful.

7.) Specialize

Da Vinci could paint as well as he could design the first models for aircraft in human history. But we don't want to be legendary geniuses like him. So choose one thing and one thing only, and make that your career. Be deficient in as many categories of human endeavors as possible, and just be kinda decent enough to get paid for one thing, okay?!

8.) Walk Fast For No Reason

You don't have to know exactly where you're going or why you're rushing. But keep running around like a chicken without a head, and coffee spilling from your cup, and you're sure to end up somewhere, and really fast! In your haste, be sure to be filled with as much anxiety as possible, and to worry about everything that could go wrong in your future, and all the dreams you will never achieve!

9.) Daydream

Dreams are for bedtime. The day is for action. But that's the way successful people think. For the rest of us, we want to spend our time during the day, in class or at work, fantasizing about hypothetical futures where things could be awesome, and then at night time, after we check out at 5:00 or get back home at 7:00, do the chores and stuff we procrastinated earlier and then worry about the next day as we try to go to sleep.

10.) Depend on Internet Articles for Life Guidance

If you really want to be unsuccessful, then don't consult your own intuition. Fight against every cell in your body which tells you to make this life free and wonderful, and all that nonsense. Make sure to listen to everyone else around you, your parents, teachers, friends and family, and The Internet when they tell you how you should live your life. Clearly, we know better than you how to keep you from being your most successful self.