It's a dog-eat-dog world out there, and sorority women are like a pack wolves willing to tear you up. But what does one do when they get a sorority girl? Does one date it? Do you take it out to dinner and watch as it drains your wallet? (By the way, that does happen a lot.)
Then, you come across the truest struggle of them all when you do not have enough money to drink and get into the bars. The struggle is real sometimes. Say you do date a sorority girl and you need her to swerve out yo' life -- how can you go about doing that while still having fun? Thankfully, I have the answer for you. Here are some ways to make her run to her car, go back to the sorority house, and talk poo poo about you to her sisters.
1. Do nothing. Like, I mean nothing; like you need to go vegetable status about this. Just lay there and breathe, don't even lift a finger. Look like a hospital patient that has been unconscious for 5 years with no hope of waking up. Literally do nothing.
2. Do more of nothing -- like this point cannot be stressed enough. Except, this time, pretend to be a corpse that's already been six feet under for 20 years, like that's how much of nothing you need to do.
3. Do some "hood sh*t." I know, that may sound weird, but hear me out because you got to do what she considers “hood." Remember sorority girls are a civilized group of upstanding women in transition for the real world (if only we could believe that, because that is the biggest lie on this earth). Look, if “hood" for her is riding an El Camino down Greek Row with Pedro and Luiz, do it. Extra points if you blast Mexican restaurant music with oranges in the car bed of that El Camino. Which, honestly, as a brown guy, I really want an El Camino now. It's my inner barrio-hood Paco calling for me.
4. Pick dat nose. Pick the hell out of it and grab the gold. Then, hold that thing proudly in her face like you just won a Michael Phelps gold medal in the Olympics.
5. Play the piccolo -- or fart a lot.
6. Invite her to a game of Zombies versus Humans. Nothing more needs to be said about that -- it speaks for itself.
7. Sit her down and watch your favorite animes with her. Then proceed to explain in detail why watching it in Japanese is far more exciting than hearing it in the English language and having to read it, instead. Why do I know this?
8. Cargoes, cargoes, cargoes. Wear them for days.
9. Take her to church. I promise she won't burn because of the sins committed between the nights of Thursday through Saturday.
10. Never say “goodbye." Like, just abruptly leave without saying a damn word every time. I know this because I know a guy that does it all time and it never fails..
Those are some of the ways you can you lose your sorority girl within ten days. To be honest, you can do this in a day and lose her by the time you do number six on this list. Really, this should be “How to Lose a Sorority Girl in 10 Hours or Less," but no, it has to be ten days because some movie with Kate Hudson and the guy from Failure to Launch set a standard that is beyond me. Not gonna lie -- those movies entertained me. Oops.
