So you are back in the dating game after a while away--whether it is because you relish in the single life or you just got out of a failed long-term relationship--and it is hard. Way harder than you could have imagined.
Between finding prey, obtaining their number, asking them on a date, going on the date, wondering what you should wear, how your hair should be styled, what kind of shoes are practical yet alluring, thinking about what you should talk about, where you should go, what you should do once you are there, what kind of food to order (because food must be involved), what they will be wearing and whether you will match enough or too much, what both of you should eat, whether a first date is too soon to have a first kiss or whether they will think you are a prude if you do not kiss, whether you should hold their hand first or make the first move or whether you should wait for them to make the move, but then what if they do not like you as much as you like them or what if they are completely horrible and nothing like you initially thought they were or what if there is no chemistry between you and you have to fake a family emergency or a heart attack or an aneurysm and what if they take your fake medical emergency seriously and actually call the police, what will you do then, you cannot have that on your record for the rest of your life, you have a future, and how will that person potentially fit into your future, do they want kids, do you want kids, do they like the idea of marriage or are they completely opposed, do you even know if the person is interested in dating you in the first place or if they have just agreed to meet with you as a friend, and what about.......?
Before you even go down that endless spiral of romantic doom, stop and breathe.
Analyze the situation.
Your date is absolutely repulsive. You first saw them with beer goggles and now without that luxury... ew.
Or they are a really nice person, but they are also probably the most boring person you have ever met. They are as bland as unspiced microwaved chicken with white rice.
Or you are just really not over your super hot ex, and you are thinking of getting back together.
Whatever the issue, here are some fool-proof tips to getting out of this hazardous situation:
1. Avoid cliche excuses
NEVER have your friend call you shortly after you go to the bathroom. Also avoid "Oh, I'm gay/straight" and faking a panic/anxiety attack.
2. Plan ahead
If you do plan on having a friend rescue you, come up with a code word or number before the date even starts. Instead of going to the bathroom and asking them to intervene, text them the word or number under the table. Then execute the plan.
3. Make your excuse weird
If you honestly never want to talk to or associate with your date ever again as long as you both shall live, you need to get weird. Tell the date you are actually an alien looking to be inseminated by an earthling in order to further live on your planet. Part way through whatever you are doing, stop, freeze, and then slowly transform into an elephant or monkey or your younger brother. Get on all fours and hop around. Or you could just silently walk away and continue walking until they stop following you. The bigger, the more dramatic, the better. Whatever you choose to do, really commit to it.
4. Try honesty?
I mean, I do not know if it will work, but you could certainly give it a try.
5. Actually make a disaster happen
Spill a drink on your date and then run away while they are cleaning up. Break your arm or leg and then ask them to call 911. Start fake-choking and then turn it into real-choking when you can tell they are not falling for it. Force yourself to throw up on them. Ask someone to kidnap you.
As someone who has been on their fair share of terrible dates, I know how to expertly get out of a date going horribly, horrifically wrong. Just take my advice! It might work...
