When I was seven years old I was diagnosed with GAD or General Anxiety Disorder. I had no idea how this would affect me, other than I would have to learn how to stop worrying about things. Now, age 21, I still haven't figured that out yet. Through the years I have kept my anxiety, and depression as private as I possibly could, but with the exception of my family and close best friends, it did not surface.
Throughout elementary school, I struggled with coping with my anxious thoughts, and constant needing of reassurance. Countless meetings with teachers, prescription medications and therapy sessions seemed to blur together into one huge mess I had made of my life. Why wouldn't I stop worrying? I worried about everything from who was going to pick me up from school to the kid who just went home sick. Would I become sick too? What if my mom can't come get me from school? EVERYTHING became impossible to do without worrying about it.
Fast forward to my Sophomore year of high school and my first real relationship began. I was dating a boy a few years older than me and he treated me amazing. What he didn't know was I was terrified of him leaving me for another girl, I felt inadequate, even if he told me I was his one and only. No matter what I could not shake the fact that regardless of what anyone told me I was going to be okay in the end. I didn't believe it. I couldn't, my mind simply would not allow for that. I would lay in bed at night worrying that he would leave me, that I wasn't pretty enough, that other girls were what he truly wanted. Every single relationship I had up until I was about 20 years old had gone exactly that way, I never felt good enough, I never felt satisfied with who I was.
Depression had set in at this point. After going through a gnarly breakup I had only self-validated the fact that if I was not good enough for that guy, then I was not good enough for any guy. Depression sunk in, I became a hermit. Only leaving my house to go to work, I gave up. I would not see my friends, I would not go to church, I couldn't even hold a conversation anymore.
So what did I do to get out? How could I possibly dig myself out of this rut I had so deeply fallen into? I discovered the art of being alone. Now as depressing as that sounds, it worked. I began using the time I spent alone to write, to play music, to paint, to learn skills I would use for the rest of my life. The art of being single was my key to focusing on myself to better my own life. The anxiety slowly disappeared, the depression turned into inspiration and my life was beginning a new chapter that a year ago I couldn't have even imagined. This experience has brought my life to such a better state. I will never be cured of my anxiety, I will always have it, however, I now know the key to surviving it.
