I still remember like it was yesterday. I went to the doctors to complain about chest pains, and finally gained the courage to open up about my mind. After fighting back tears, trying not to get emotional in front of this stranger of a doctor, she decided to give me a 'screening.' She opened her laptop and asked me a series of questions ever so nonchalantly. After an uncomfortable moment of silence while she tallied up my answers, she turned to me and said, "well it looks like you have GAD."

There I was. Holding the paper that states in big, black, bold, block letters, Diagnosis: General Anxiety Disorder. It beamed in my lap, staring at me while I sat on the doctors table trying to avoid eye contact...with words. I couldn't believe it. I was diagnosed. I've never had anything severe happen to me that required extensive medial attention. But anxiety? How do I get rid of this?

When googling the term 'anxiety' the definition states, "A mental health disorder characterized by feelings of worry, anxiety, or fear that are strong enough to interfere with one's daily activities." Scrolling down the page it states that there are 3 million cases of GAD per year in the United States. Wow, so reassuring, right? Scrolling down some more it shows the most affected age range is 19-40. My 21 year old self just eye-rolled so hard my brain hurts.

Turns out there is no 'cure' to anxiety. You don't get rid of it, you cope with it. I was referred to a therapist. Great, right? Make an appointment with another stranger where she tries to get to know me within a one hour visit, while I try again not to cry and not make myself sound as crazy and hopeless as I see myself in my head. I didn't go through with it. Instead my doctor simply recommended the 'basics' such as yoga, breathing techniques, exercise, alone time, healthy diet, etc. I'm currently working on those suggestions before I consider talking to another stranger, or relying on medication.

I knew I always had anxiety, but when I was younger I called it nervousness. Growing up as a competitive dancer I was always nervous, but the adrenaline, healthy kind of nervous. Standing backstage watching the performance before me was the biggest rush that I absolutely hated for making me want to poop my pants every time, but also absolutely loved because I could not wait to take the stage and dance my heart out. As I got older and my performing days were slowing down, my body didn't have that energy to feed off of anymore. I wasn't spending hours a day at the studio getting exercise, and I wasn't standing backstage in my sparkly costume waiting for my two minute turn to impress the judges. Basically, my body freaked out on me.

I go to the gym everyday, but it's not the same as dancing. Don't get me wrong, exercising and sweating everyday helps tremendously, until my body started to hate me even more. I would be out to breakfast with my parents at the corner restaurant downtown that we have been going to every Sunday morning since I was in diapers, and suddenly not be able to talk, or have enough breath even say a word, my vision would turn white, and I had this feeling I was going to pass out but I never actually did. This same thing happens at random times, even during activities that are apart of my normal routine. Out with my roommates, on a casual lunch date, resting on the couch, even while sitting in class. I informed my doctor about these things and she concluded that these are panic attacks. They hit me when I'm not actually thinking or doing anything that would cause me anxiety, which puts me in a constant state of fear.

Having anxiety is like being under a constant dark cloud that fights with the sun by wanting everything to be in the cold shade at all times. Anxiety is that voice in my head that thinks of the worst possible outcome in any situation, even after telling myself that everything is going to be perfectly fine. Anxiety controls not only my thoughts, but my actions. Anxiety holds me back from raising my hand in class. Anxiety stops me from greeting someone first. Anxiety makes me avoid eye contact with almost everyone. Anxiety makes me sit outside of my professor's office for 30 minutes before finally convincing myself it's okay to walk in and ask for help. Anxiety makes me practice what I'm going to say in the drive thru line, or before a phone call so I don't keep anyone waiting by being an inconvenience.

Coming to terms with having this 'mental disorder' was difficult at first. I didn't want to believe it. I always new I was quiet and shy, but that's just how I have always been. I think about that piece of paper and those bold black letters often, even though I have it tucked away in my room. I think about how I shouldn't let this control me. I take time out of my day to make sure I'm doing alright. I listen to my body and see what it needs. I listen to my mind and my heart and take action accordingly, whether it be a nice workout, a healthy meal, or some time outside in the sun. I know I'm not alone when it comes to anxiety. If you're someone who is also learning to cope with this, just know that you are not alone. Also know that it is okay to use your friends and family as resources for people to talk to. There are people out there who will listen. Don't be afraid to vent to someone or ask for help. Kind of ironic coming from one anxiety-filled college student to the next, but it is most important to realize that everything is going to be alright, and you are more than what anxiety makes you feel.