What it’s like living with anxiety:

Anxiety can affect people different because there are many different types -- of people and of anxiety. Being that Kettering University is an engineering school, it would be easy to assume this article is going to discuss social anxiety due to the stereotype of socially awkward engineers. Although many people in this world do suffer from social anxiety, that is not the anxiety that often used to captivate my mind and soul.

I do not suffer from social anxiety. I have battled academic anxiety for almost four years now. The anxiety has affected my life in many ways over the last couple years. Although it was originally a minor problem I occasionally faced, it later developed into something that felt like it was slowly drowning me. When I started at Kettering University, my anxiety that stemmed from wanted to succeed and achieve excellence soon became a beast that was grasping me with ice cold talons. I couldn’t free myself from the anxiety and it slowly began to drain me of all of my energy and optimism. It began to affect my sleep and ability to keep my food down a lot of the time. I have always been a student that has strived for excellence. But, this devolved into something else entirely.

I could no longer think straight without shaking with the fear of failure and often, I couldn’t ease my mind enough to sleep. The anxiety propelled me to write a lot of poetry to describe what I was going through, but it also propelled me to reach out to friends only to discover they simply could not understand. When I realized that some of my closest friends couldn’t understand, it only furthered the affect my anxiety was having on me. Not only did I spend hours trying to calm down, I also felt no one could relate which resulted in my feeling helpless and alone. It caused a rift in one of my closest friendships because all I wanted was for her to understand. Due to the fact that it seemed no one in my social circle understood, I stopped talking about it to be quite honest with all of you. Did that mean I didn’t spend hours working myself up? No. It meant I battled the anxiety silently, a prisoner of my own constant worry and fear of failure.

I knew after the first semester of Kettering was complete and I felt like I had truly lost a piece of my soul, something needed to change. I dedicated my work term to finding coping mechanisms. I meditated, dabbled in yoga, colored, drank tea and I prayed to God to rid me of this mental trap. I spent three months trying to recover and overcome this problem. I was TERRIFIED to come back to Kettering for my second academic term. I was scared that all of my efforts would be washed away and I would be held prisoner by my own mind once again.

I knew I had to approach this semester with a different mindset and methodology in mind. I stopped allowing things to make me angry, anxious, or sad. I just told myself that if I tried my hardest that I hadn’t let myself or my family down. The semester progressed and it seemed as though my new thought process was working. Although my friends were worried that I was no longer wearing my emotions on my sleeve, this method really allowed me to mend myself. Now does that mean I no longer got overwhelmed? No, of course not. But it was a huge step in the right direction. I was able to keep a level head and succeed with the knowledge that I tried my best, even if I faced small challenges along the way.

This positive mindset followed me into my 2nd work term this April. I would feel myself begin to panic and feel overwhelmed and I reminded myself that today is not tomorrow. I faced many hard tasks, only to conquer them with a deep breath and a new mindset. Today’s battles do not have to ruin tomorrow. Today’s challenges are tomorrow’s successes or lessons. This mentality truly helped me grow stronger and become a better-equipped person. If we are not challenged as students, we are not allowing ourselves the opportunity to perservere.

My anxiety is not completely gone, I do face it occasionally. I will say, I am grateful for this mental issue. It burned me to the ground and I was able to rise from the ashes a better, stronger person. Speaking from experience sometimes the most upsetting, challenging things, can teach you the most.

Below I have included a poem I wrote when I felt the anxiety resurface.

Suddenly the past grips you with ice cold talons.

It digs deeper into your skin the longer it holds you captive.

It threatens everything you’ve managed to overcome. It threatens your mental wall, to break it into pieces.

I hope this article reaches another person that has suffered from anxiety and is worried about it occasionally resurfacing after recovery. We all have our own struggles, but none of us have to allow them to define us.

You are stronger than your problems.