Before pulling out the hand-guns, rifles, cannons, pepper spray bottles, SWAT team contact lists, or whatever else you need to get me and my life-size Donald Trump cardboard cutout as far away from you as possible, please take a look at the category in which this article has been posted. Because from experience, the worst and most embarrassing thing that could ever happen among a group of total strangers on the internet, is for you to be that one person in the comments section who doesn't understand the difference between a satire and something that is not a satire.
What you are reading right now is intended to be a humorous piece of writing. While this is not a full-on satire, nor am I a Trump hater, every time I say something along the lines of Donald Trump being my idol, I don't actually mean it. But what I do mean to say is that we need to look past all of our 'I hate Donald Trump' soliloquies, because clearly they haven't done squat. Numbers do not lie, so mark my words: Donald Trump will be our 45th president.
I know exactly what you are thinking. You assume that just because I chose to go to an all- girls school automatically makes me ready for Hillary. And you're wondering how on earth I ended up as a lifelong Trumpster. So now is the time to clear all your suspicions and hear it directly from me: I don't want Hillary as president. I have nothing against Hillary as a person. I have nothing against Bill and Monica. I have nothing against Clinton's quadrillions of leaked documents from her otherwise "personal" email server that portray her as an even bigger, two-faced liar ( this part is the satire). Though her policies of giving women the right to choose, closing corporate tax loopholes, and providing every child access to quality education are enticing enough to put a vote in her ballot -- I respectfully have to decline Clinton's campaign efforts. I'm not quite convinced she'll make America great again.
Nevertheless, I mentioned above that Donald Trump is not my idol, or at least my ideal idol. And no, I don't posses a life-size cardboard cutout of him though next time I'm willing to splurge a bit of money, I'm totally buying one. This is due to the fact that my heart, which otherwise is a sucker for inspirational quotes and cute babies, has managed to make a place for Donald Trump. Frankly speaking, I was cursed with a kind heart, so I can almost never hate a person. Every time I'm in public and I overhear a conversation where somebody is bashing Trump, I always wanted to jump into their conversation with the "but..." followed by something good about Trump. When Trump first announced that he was running for president, I believed from the beginning that he would win, or at least be close to wining. After all, there is a reason why I'm spending $500+ to go to a presidential inauguration trip with my college. The excitement I have for seeing Donald Trump give a speech is comparable to what a teenage fan-girl feels when she meets her celebrity crush.
Before I continue I just have to mention something. The only thing I hate about Donald Trump is his campaign logo, and I think everyone else can agree. Hillary has this cool looking arrow on the H and Bernie dots his I with a star. Jeb has an exclamation point after his name and Cruz's logo represents either a patriotic teardrop or a burning American flag (and kind of similar to Tinder's logo). And as for Trump, the only world I can use to describe his logo is boring. Every time he gives a speech, he stands behind a drab blue background that says "Trump" followed by his "make America great again" slogan. There are no symbols, punctuation marks, or dating app resemblances. Even a burning Mexican flag would be better than what Trump has now.
Don't think I am delusional. My brain has the capacity to understand why people dislike Trump. He's a businessman, not a politician. His mouth seems to not come with a filter. 99.99 percent of what he says is compromised of sentences that are five words or less. His infamous toupee resembles a corn husk. I understand that he isn't the typical politician and that's why I love him so much. I think that the fact that our future president has no political background is a step towards the right direction. It shows that we don't want someone in office who sits behind closed doors and says he's "getting stuff done". That's the difference between businessmen and politicians. Businessmen know how to take action rather than just saying words. And we know Trump is all about action.
It is such a blessing to have taken AP Government and Politics my senior year of high school right before election time, because that meant that we got to talk about Donald Trump. A lot. If you look at someone like Hillary Clinton or Jeb Bush or Marco Rubio, they are all politicians who are running for president so that they can expand their expertise in the political arena. That is their motive for running in the first place. So one question my class could always ask was what Trump's motive is for running, since that is not as transparent as the rest of himself. Donald's net worth is almost at $5 billion. He obviously doesn't want to be president for the money. Politicians are already in debt due to the considerable amount of money donated to them via SuperPacs and other donors. But Trump? Every dime spent on his campaign is coming from his pocket, not someone else's. So when an already rich guy comes into office when the United States is in a crippling economic state, I am expecting good things to happen. Possibly his motive for running is that he's bored and wants to try something new. If that's the case, then more power to him. For a man as a busy as Trump, I think we ought to give him a round of applause for willing to take the stress of being president.
My brain also has the capacity to understand that Trump is not "the nice guy" or "male model-esque" contrary to some of our previous presidents. What makes people fired up are his policies. So let me defend them (again this is satire). ISIS is a problem. People in charge who have had to deal with ISIS in the past have shed away from creating preventative measures out of fear. But, Trump is committed to ending their reign in US territory by repeating history and acting like one of the greatest leaders the world has ever seen. Hitler, of course! He will attempt to wipe out an entire religious group over time and make them carry ID cards. And his plan for the Hispanics? It's about time someone does something to get rid of them illegals who know nothing more than stealing American jobs and working under the table. America will be headed towards a healthier direction when we don't have a Taco Bell, Chipotle, nacho shack, or burrito food truck on every damn street corner. On a totally serious note however, Trump does care about education. He believes that loan companies are scamming money out of students and that student loan interest rates are too high. Trump is the definition of true patriotism.
Whether or not you found the above humorous, remember what I said earlier. Trump will be our 45th president. Here is why he is the real deal. Did you know that Britain was in the midst of signing a pledge that said if Donald Trump is elected president, they will ban him from entering the country? But thanks to all the wonderful business connections Trump has with Britain, the island realized what a catastrophe that would have been. This election is probably the most clothespin election ever. Trump will probably be the Republican nominee and Clinton has pretty much secured her spot as the Democratic nominee from the beginning. If we have to pick the best of the worst, Donald is the obvious pick. If we have to blame someone for letting Trump anywhere near the white house, blame the Republican Party. They should have never let him run in the first place. They were the ones who let Trump in to their turf thinking that he doesn't have chance in hell, and now we see the results of that. With Paul Ryan, Sarah Palin, Piers Morgan, and a never ending list of politicians and celebrities backing him, anyone and everyone who has dreamed of being the Republican presidential nominee can kiss that dream good-bye. So again, to everyone horrified that Trump will be our next president, it's time to wake up and smell the coffee.
On another thought, if you want to save your country, here is something that you can do. First, gather every penny you can find until you have $50 billion. Then, build a great big, giant, very huge wall. And put Donald Trump on the other side of it.
That part wasn't satirical.
