It snuck up on me. I knew something wasn’t right for a while. I didn’t recognize myself. All of a sudden I just wasn’t my bubbly, laid back, funny self. I was quiet. I cried a lot. My heart would race. And for some reason, the sparkle in my eye seemed dull. It happened when I turned twenty. In fact, it happened on my twentieth birthday. All of a sudden I felt an overwhelming amount of responsibility. I could no longer blame my mistakes on the fact that I was still a teenager. Everything I seemed to once love, changed. My boyfriend, my choice of major, my relationship with friends, my appetite. I laid in bed that night and cried while ‘happy birthday’ texts and posts flooded my phone. This was it. This was my breaking point.
General anxiety shows itself in many forms. This was my form. Shutting everything out, shutting down, not sleeping, hardly eating, making excuses to stay in bed, slacking on school work, and not to mention I was a total bitch to everyone. These were all forms of my general anxiety disorder. I would consider myself lucky, too. Some people have actual anxiety attacks where they can’t breathe and some even black out.
I knew something wasn’t right, and I couldn’t let this bother me for much longer. I missed the old, happy me. I could not let my grades slip any further than they already were, or else I was going to ruin my future chances of getting into graduate school. I know there are different forms of reducing anxiety, but I wanted it fixed. And quick. I went to my family doctor and told him what was going on. Of course, he had to ask if I thought about suicide, which I absolutely did not. But, if you are reading this, and you have, please tell your doctor. They will help you with absolutely no judgment. He took my blood pressure, which was ridiculously high. He even suggested I come back in another day to get it re-checked or else he was putting me on BP meds. He diagnosed me with GAD (general anxiety disorder), prescribed me anxiety medication, patted me on the back, and wished me the best. The first few weeks on that medication sucked. I was tired, I was nauseous, I lost weight, but my body was slowly adjusting. In two weeks, I felt different. A good different. Things were funny again. I had an appetite (thank God, because I love food). My grades were improving, and I was able to concentrate again. I felt… Normal.
I have anxiety, anxiety does not have me. I think that’s the most important thing to remember. Anxiety and depression are things we don’t talk about for some reason, and I don’t really understand why. I’m not ashamed of my diagnoses, it’s just part of me. When I tell people I take medication to control my anxiety, they act differently. I’m not suicidal, I don’t harm myself, my brain just doesn’t release enough chemical hormones to keep up with my life, so, I need a little boost. There are days where I forget to take my meds and I can tell a huge difference, but for the most part, my body is used to it and I’m in a really good place, now.
I’m writing this to inform anyone with depression or anxiety that you don’t have to just ‘deal with it’. Don’t wait for it to just go away because it won’t. And PLEASE do not be embarrassed to go to your doctor or a therapist to tell them what’s going on. Women are twice as likely to suffer from GAD than men. In fact, most people suffer from some type of anxiety or depression, they just don’t know it. Love yourself enough to go and get help. Medication doesn’t always have to be the answer, either! There are so many different forms of help. Exercise, yoga, oils, acupuncture, therapists, the list goes on. Find what is right for you, and do yourself a favor. Love yourself enough to realize that you deserve to live happily, all of the time.
