Everyone knows what depression, anxiety, and self-loathing are. For most people being depressed means you feel sad, anxiety means that you worry too much, and self-loathing is just being too hard on yourself. This is how they view these things, and the thing is, they aren't wrong. For them, that's what these things mean, but for some people they're so much more. In a way it's like that teddy bear you've kept since your childhood. Sure to most people it's just a raggedy old teddy bear, but to you it's so much more. That's what depression is like for me, it's my teddy bear, anxiety is my old blanket, and self-loathing is my favorite bed-time story. For me, these things are an unavoidable omnipresent part of my life. For me, they're more than words or feelings, they're a part of my life and they effect every choice I make and how I shape as a person.
Depression
According to Google, the definition of depression is "Feelings of despondency and dejection". While this isn't wrong, it means something entirely different for me. For me depression isn't a feeling. Feelings come and go, they can change depending on your mood. If you're feeling down someone can cheer you up. But depression, depression is an ever-present state of mind. It's not as if I feel depressed sometimes and not depressed at others. There is no on and off switch, I could be having an amazing day and still feel as though I'm a useless piece of trash. It's not a feeling, it's permanent, when it comes it's there for months or even years. When it goes sometimes it goes forever, often times it just takes a short hiatus before creeping back into your mind. No matter how you look at it it's more than a feeling. You can hurt someones feelings, you can't hurt depression, it's too strong.
Anxiety
For me, the only thing that anxiety brings to mind is how many don't believe it exists. I've struggled with anxiety for the large majority of my life and I've heard it all. "You just worry too much". "Stop letting things get to you, it's not that bad." The funny thing about telling someone with anxiety to stop worrying is that it just makes them worry more. For the majority of people anxiety is that feeling you get when you're worried about the job interview you have tomorrow. For me, it's the feeling I get when I wake up, when I have to choose something to wear, when I say good morning to that man on the street during my daily commute, when I'm about to go to sleep without knowing that literally everything in my life is in order. For me, anxiety isn't event specific, there doesn't need to be a stressful reason for my brain to completely overthink and doubt everything I do in my life. Depression doesn't exactly help with this either. Nothing's worse than sweating during a normal everyday conversation because you're so worried about whether or not the person you're talking to can tell just how empty you feel inside. You worry about that with everyone. You ask yourself "Can they tell how much I hate myself? Does my depression make everyone else feel depressed?" Depression and anxiety are one hell of a tag team. But the trio would be incomplete without self-loathing.
Self-loathing
You know, the phrase "You are your own worst critic" is shockingly accurate. It helps when you're having doubts about how you did on a project, if you made a good first impression on someone, or if your outfit looks good that day. However, it's notably less effective when these feelings of doubt or distaste are a bit more extreme. Everyone has something they dislike about themselves, whether it's their weight, or their hair, maybe they wish they were taller. That's all completely normal, but for some people these dislikes can turn into severe self-loathing. It's one thing to dislike the way your clothes fit on you, it's another to dislike your voice, to hate looking at your own face, to think of yourself as an unnecessary waste of space. For me there's a difference between being a little hard on myself and wanting to physically hurt myself because of how much I hate being me. Having to wake up knowing that I am still someone that I can't stand to be around. These emotions are only amplified by depression and anxiety. Anxiety makes you so scared that other people can sense how much you dislike yourself. Whether your own self-hatred makes those around you feel bad. Depression makes sure you never feel like there's no hope for you to improve yourself and get past these emotions. It's even harder to get past these emotions when people constantly underestimate just how serious you problem could be.
Don't underestimate how horrible the mind can be
The common factor among Depression, Anxiety, and Self-Loathing is that they're not just feelings, they don't come and go and you can't just get over them. They're mental illnesses that plague the lives of millions of people around the world. It's important that people understand and respect this rather than dismissing them as just "feelings". The funny thing about mental illnesses is that because they aren't visibly noticeable like other illnesses a lot of people think of them as illegitimate. Nobody underestimates how horrible Cancer can be, nobody dismisses it. Nobody tells somebody struggling cancer "Oh you're just feeling a little cancerous today, you'll get over it tomorrow." Nobody says that because it's widely accepted that Cancer isn't something that people can quickly get over. It's about time we started treating mental illness with the same degree of severity and seriousness that we do other illnesses. Those going through these things have enough to worry about, so the least we could do as a community is make it apparent that they have support and that they can always find help no matter how bad it gets.
Remember, if you feel like it's becoming too much for you to deal with, there are other ways to get help. I know a lot of people shun the idea of taking medication for mental issues, but they can seriously help. It's true that they don't work for everybody, but for countless people out there, meds have saved their lives.
The number for the national Suicide Prevention Hotline is 1-800-273-8255. If you or someone you know is having thoughts of hopelessness, if they're struggling with anxiety, battling with depression, or even if they just seem to struggle to find reasons to smile, this number could save a life.
Most important......
STAY STRONG!
You've been through so much and fought for so long! Keep pushing, a break is coming! Trust me!
