Do you ever just sit and think about your past? The stuff you have wished you had done or wished you could have handled things differently?
All I thought about was trying to be popular throughout Middle School and High School. You’re probably already thinking, “what a shallow person.” but you know what, I think being honest with yourself and admitting to your flaws is incredibly powerful. It is better than being a hypocrite and denying it. After all, nobody is perfect. I distanced myself from a lot of people in general because I knew I was not going to be popular, but I also did not want my status to go further down. I secretly wanted to have that “popular” status. I secretly wanted everyone to look up to me and to praise me while being in Middle School and High school. I was too embarrassed to hangout with certain people because I was afraid they would make me look bad. I was afraid to either look too, “nerdy” ,“weird” ,“creepy” or “disgusting.”
It’s hard for me to admit that I care way too much of what people think of me. I used to cry all of the time about being too happy towards people, being too loud, or being way too hyper. I cried because I knew how annoying that was for some people. When I say, "I do not give a crap of what people think of me" I am totally bullshitting with you because we all know that is not true. That is something I am still working on, it may be a while.
It’s hard for me to admit that I hated NYC when I first moved there. It was not that type of luxurious life you see in the movies. I was too embarrassed and sad to admit I hated it at first. I felt like I let down myself and especially my mother because she has worked so hard for me to get to where I am. When I first moved there all I could think of was the pollution, garbage on the sidewalks and a lot homeless people on the streets. It was a major transition in my life. I had an incredibly hard time adjusting to the city life. For the longest time, I wanted to give up and transfer to another school. I was still very insecure, was afraid to go out in the city at night, take the subways and sort of be rebellious. To be honest, without my family I would be back home and feel sorry for myself. Thank you so much for allowing me to be tough and stay in the city. I am so thankful that my family helped convinced me to stay in the city. NYC has 100% changed my life.
It’s hard for me to admit that I have some regrets. You may or may not ever find out what those regrets are, but what you will know is that you are just going to have to wait.
