I am not a fan of showing my emotions. That's the way I've always been and I don't expect myself to change anytime soon. However, in my time as a human being, the limited showing of my feelings has proven to be detrimental to many friendships.

In my experiences as a female, I have found that it is expected for us to be touchy feely creatures, which many of us are not. And that's okay. Although, that expectation still flutters around in people's brains so when we do not show these qualities, we are seen as uncaring and cold. Uncaring and cold are two things that I definitely am not. If anything, I care too much. I care what people think of me, I care what people think of other people, I care about other people. I constantly worry about making others unhappy, even if it's something as little as eating the last cookie, to which no one has claim over, and that I'll make someone unhappy by indulging into the chocolate chippy goodness. I care so much about things such as this, that it's hard to imagine that I could ever be seen as someone who doesn't care for her friends.

However, that's how it ends up. In my history of friendships, most of them ended presumably because of this. So, when I was in high school, the task was set for me to make an entirely new group of friends, which, being the shy person that I am, was an enormously difficult responsibility. By the time I settled into a fantastic friend group, I was a junior in high school. It took me awhile, yeah. I was happy with my friends, though I could tell that I was no one's favorite in the group. I hadn't had a best friend who was exclusively mine since, jeez, first grade, so I had no idea what that felt like.

My high school friends were amazing people, and I loved them so much, but I had such a hard time letting them know. You see, I assumed that they would just magically figure out that I thought they were the best people in the world and that I cared about them with all my heart, but they didn't. I tried to show them, but the little things I did just were never enough, and no matter what, I wasn't able to build good individual relationships with any of them. I tried. I tried to the best of my ability, but it was never enough. Probably because this process requires effort from both sides and possibly my friends that I cared about so much, just didn't view me the same why I viewed them. I eventually managed to build up one relationship with a girl who I now consider my best friend. I love her to death and I hope she knows that.

Graduating high school, I assumed that my friend group would stay strong forever, despite the fact that we were splitting up to go to seven different colleges between the 11 of us, which honestly was an absolutely ridiculous notion. But, I believed it. That summer was the best summer I'd ever had because of those amazing friends. When we all left for our separate colleges, the girls stayed in touch through the group chat we aptly named "the 7 amigHOES" (which is truly terrible). We texted in it practically every day through the first few month of our terms, but it slowed down near the end. That November, the first time we had a chance to get together to watch John Mulaney's comedy special "The Comeback Kid" (a personal favorite of mine), I instantly sensed that things were different. It seemed, they had all managed to make a lot of new friends, while I was majorly struggling in that aspect. They were happy with their new lives, but I was foolishly clinging to my old one.

I continued to cling through the rest of the school year as I continued to be lacking in the friend department. Near the end, I tried to get one to visit me who was already visiting her boyfriend who lives nearby, but she didn't even attempt to see me. That hurt me badly, but I passed it off like no big deal because that's what I do. No showing my emotions, remember? I still clung though. I expected to see these friends over summer, but most I saw once or twice. My friendships with these people had disintegrated before my eyes. All of the sudden, it was as if I had no one. I had had all of these friends and then boom. I had no one. And the worst part is that no one did anything. There was no fight that caused a huge falling out, it was just over, as if the friendships were nothing in the first place.

The group chat is still open on my phone, but we don't text in it anymore. The last text I sent was only responded to by my best friend. That's when I realized I had to accept that these amazing friends were no longer mine because I had let them drift away.

However, before I say goodbye, I have a message for them:

You amazing, beautiful people who were once my friends, I want to let you know that I still care. I always cared and I won't ever stop caring. We are leading different lives now, and I understand that. I just don't want to leave these friendships without letting you know that. I am not good at expressing my feelings. I am a closed off person. I dislike that I am this way sometimes, but I acknowledge that it is who I am and I shouldn't be ashamed. So, to the friends who don't think I cared, I love you and I always will and I'm sorry I didn't tell you more often.