When referring to women, the phrases that most commonly come from a man's mouth are "Women are confusing" or "Women are hard to please".

WRONG!!!!

Yes, some women can be confusing at times, this is no secret, but keep in mind that it's some women and not all. While humans are complex creatures in general, it shouldn't be hard to be real about your feelings. My male friends are constantly telling me that they don't understand women, as in all women, and that is something I don't understand. I suppose it's because I'm low-maintenance (laid back and easily unbothered), but I'm not the only one. If you're one of those "confused" guys, let me help you out. There are women who actually mean what they say, and women who want you to jump through all sorts of hoops before they reveal what they really want you to know. There are even times where women are on one accord.

This is an abbreviated version of "The Man's Guide To Women". If you read this carefully and follow what's said, your relationship or potential relationship with your lady should be smooth sailing.

1. What she says: "I'll be ready in five minutes!"

What this means: Just give her another hour or two because she probably hasn't cleaned herself, done her hair, or found an outfit to wear. She's probably still in the tub drinking wine. So it's probably best to tell her you're on the way (even if you aren't) so that she'll actually hurry.

2. What she says: "Do I look fat in this?"

What this means: You better not say the wrong thing... She doesn't ever want to hear that she looks fat in anything. She's really asking if she's desirable and if you're attracted to her, not if you actually care about the outfit. The proper response would be "Love, you'd look beautiful even if you were wearing a burlap sack".

3. What she says: "I'm fine."

What this means: She's far from fine, but you need to figure out what's wrong with her because she isn't actually going to tell you. This is where that hidden talent of mind-reading comes into play. I’d also like to say that there are times when a woman will say she’s fine and actually mean it, but it’s easy to tell if you pay attention to her body language or tone of her voice. But, it wouldn’t hurt to ask twice.

4. What she says: "I'm on my period" or "Can we just cuddle?" or *is abnormally clingy*

What this means: Unless you're seriously comfortable with someone, it can be really awkward to just announce that your monthly friend is visiting. Sometimes you might just get a "Can we just cuddle?". These two phrases are most likely one and the same. She's probably feeling vulnerable because, for some reason, stomach pain will do that to you. This is the week when sex is far from her mind so don't expect it. It's cuddling time. This is when the craving for serious bonding is happening.

5. What she says: "I'm a lesbian."

What this means: She's either actually a lesbian or just doesn't wanna be bothered by you. There's a 50/50 chance of truth here.

6. What she says: "I love you."

What this means: She might be in love with you and you might already know that, but this doesn't always mean that. Some small or grand action could cause an "I love you!!!". She's simply saying that at this point in time, she's very happy. Usually, a free meal or a present might cause this.

7. What she says: *cries*

What this means: Crying is just the releasing of emotions, yes, good and bad ones. Women happy cry and sad cry and you probably won't know which that is unless she tells you. So if you're dating a crier, you might need to start reading her body language. But, I'll tell you this, if she's crying but won't tell you why that's the sad cry. If she starts spilling her guts, they might also be sad tears and you're just lucky or they're definitely happy tears.

8. What she says: "You're like the brother I always wanted"

What this means: Bro, you just got family zoned. That's worst than friend zoned because there is definitely no chance now. This is one of the ultimate curves.

9. What she says: "I don't think of you that way"

What this means: She's just not physically attracted to you.

10. What she says: *with attitude* "What did you say?" or "Excuse me?"

What this means: This is the chance to redeem yourself. No, she's not asking you to repeat yourself, because, trust me, she heard you loud and clear. This is your chance to save yourself from a potential slap or storm out.

11. What she says: "I don't know what I want to eat."

What this means: The possibilities are endless and she probably actually wants everything from every menu so it's best that you just pick or you’ll have to hit every restaurant. Some girls just don’t wanna be seen as the pig they actually are. Some girls probably wanna say "you" when asked what they want to eat... just stop assuming you know what's going on in a woman's head.

12. What she says: "Do whatever you want"

What this means: By all means do the total opposite. At this point, it's probably best to just cancel your plans if you wanna keep your girl.

13. What she says: "I don't care" or "Don't worry about it"

What this means: She definitely cares and you should definitely worry about it. She cares immensely, so pay attention. Or she might not. Again, this is one of those things where some women mean what they say. Just check the body language and tone of voice.

14. What she says: "I'm not hungry"

What this means: She probably just doesn't want food right now but if you get something, you best believe you will be sharing with her. You can have an attitude about it and make your smart mouth comments, but at the end of the day, you're still gonna be sharing your food. If you're smart, you'll go on and order her something anyway. Yes, she'll say "I told you I didn't want anything" but let it roll off your back

15. What she says: "I'M DEAD"

What this means: She is alive, she's just laughing so hard that her sides are in orbit. The couch, a pizza, a bottle of wine, and Netflix are calling. She probably just got new nail polish also and any of that is better than being groped by sweaty neanderthals.

16. What she says: "I have nothing to wear"

What this means: She's been through her closet 75 times and of the 2000 articles of clothing she has, nothing is calling her name so she's either hitting the mall or hitting up each of her friend's closets.

Ladies, we're at the age where you just need to be real about what you're feeling. It's not cute or considerate to be of high school age and higher and expect someone to know what you are thinking. Please take into account that men aren't mind-readers and no one deserves to have to jump through hoops to figure out what you want or need.