In every fairytale story there is a villain, right? Often times the villain is discussed as the hero that comes to save day when everything is going wrong. It is not until the villain shows their true colors that the princess or protagonist realizes who they really are. One villain in the storybook of growing up is that one bad friend who your parents warned you about but you never saw it until there was a knife sticking out of your back. In 2015 I met a friend like that, but thankfully I quickly realized things were not as they should be and did my best to correct it. However, it was not until 2016 that I realized that I should be as selective when choosing my friends as I would be when choosing my future husband. With my true friends back at my side and the cloud of phoniness in the distance, these are some of the things my ride-or-dies, squad, wives, and best friends have taught me about friendship (these are the girls who have been here since the beginning of high school and some even elementary school).
1. Friendship is Teaching You How To Be A Friend
After months of being around bad friends, I forgot how to be a good one and all I had to do was watch the true best friend, who never left my side no matter how mean I was, be a friend to me and others. It was in the way a real friend acts and share memories that I learned how to be one again. I also think that friendship is constantly learning how to be a better friend and evolving with the friendship because like every relation life has ups and downs and you need to help them out through it all.
2. Friendship is Never Conditional
These are the people that loved you before you were cool and will continue to love you even when you are not. They are not just your friends when you know someone who might help them in the future or when you know the address to the party next weekend. It is being invited to every celebration they throw even if they know you can't make it. These are the people who will watch a sappy "romcom" on Netflix while passing around a bowl of chili cheese fries because you all left the most anticipated party of high school early.
3. Friendship is More Than A Status Update
You can post on Facebook, Snapchat and Instagram all you want but if what you are posting is not what is really happening or how you really feel, should you be posting it? No. Should you be sharing an article about your friends just so people know you have friends? No. Should you have to say I love you bff or I miss you even though you tell them every day when on the phone or in a text? No. Do, however, tell them how you feel and share the picture with the long caption if you mean it and are doing it for you and no one else. Do, share that post that reminded you of the squad because sometimes it is necessary and too relatable not to post but remember a direct message or group chat share the same purpose making it all that more meaningful and do, say I love you but do not feel obligated to because as long as you both know it, your Facebook friends do not have to.
4. Friendship is Not a Competition
Just because I am your friend does not mean I have to be your only friend. Think about it do you want a friend whose only social interaction comes from you? This is one thing I have found to be especially true if it seriously upsets you to see your friend having fun when you are not there it is time to re-evaluate. What that person has with someone else does not take away what they have with you so when your bad friend decides to block you on social media because "it is too difficult to see you with other friends" say "it was nice knowing you" and block them back. Then proceed to being your fabulous self as you tan on the beach. Remember, true friends love unconditionally so they won't love you any less.
5. Friendship is Never Being Afraid To Disagree
Life isn't perfect and neither are the two of you. One thing I have learned is that I never want to throw up when having to talk to a friend about something we don't see eye to eye on. Instead, I want to be able to call them and not only tell them that I think Robby is hotter than Jordan on The Bachelorette but that the choice they made or the way they acted was way out of line and should be corrected knowing we can talk it through. It is also important that you are confident enough to stop being passive aggressive because by doing so you are only creating more problems than might actually be there because you are too afraid to be straight forward.
6. Friendship is Positivity
Yes, friends help you through the ups and downs but most importantly it is how you feel after hanging out, texting, or talking to them. To me, this was the hardest to realize. Much of your energy come from who you hang around with so if all your friend talks about is negative you will then become negative as a way of trying to relate. However, if you surround yourself with positivity not only is your life better but when your friend is going through the dark times you can brighten their life up. Before, I would stay up all night aimlessly consoling a person who claimed to be "broken" thinking I could fix it. Now, I am up all night talking about a crazy plan titled "Dray" or the logistics of my wedding. Don't get me wrong I still listen to their troubles but I do not let them consume me.
7.Friendship is Not Seeing Each other Everyday
One of my closest friends is a senior in high school and I am a college sophmore but it does not matter. I still tell her about my crazy college adventures and she tells me about the most adorable way she was asked to homecoming. I might not see her every day or even text but just thinking of her reassures me in our friendship (plus a mandatory snap streak helps). Also just because we don't socialize every day or meet up every weekend that does not mean we are not there during the good and the bad. She is always the little sister and me the big sister!
8.Friendship is Shameless
They say when you travel together you become best friends and although my best memories are based off in a far way place I do not believe the travel is the basis of my friendship. What traveling does is that it forces one to be vulnerable and not hold back but you have to depend on each other. That means having a friend rub your back with Vics Vapor Rub as you cough up your lungs while sharing the same bed. It is sending them a text about how uncomfortable your last bowel movement was. It is about snap chatting them a picture of your professor captioned "my husband" and getting endless NSFW responses.
9. Friendships Take Time
Maybe I have become skeptical but I no longer think that you can become best friends overnight or over dinner. I think it takes time, it takes opening up slowly and getting to know all of the person deeply not just one aspect of them or a lot of them superficially (something I have recently discussed in my communication theory class- therefore, there is some science behind this). Yes, you can click instantly but friendships like flowers need constant care. I still need to remind them to "leave me alone" "that I hated them day one" and "that we unofficially where each other's dates to prom since we matched"
10. Friendship is Knowing They Are Your Friends
I know pretty simple but very true. If you ever doubt who they are or what you do around them then they are not your friends. If the first thing you think about when they say we have to talk is something bad instead of news that they have a new love interest they are not your friends. And if they ever make you feel as if you are not enough and completely alone while they lay in the bed next to you then they are not your friends.
I learned these lessons the hard way and I hope by sharing this I can help others find their ride-or-dies, squads, wives, bridesmaids and maid of honor without it being a bad friend. However, if you do find yourself victim to one of life's evil villains know that you are the hero of your story and true sidekicks will be the ones who helped you realize the villain was right in front of you and helped you defeat it.
