One of the first things you’ll learn about me when we meet is I’m infatuated with New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady. I’m not quite sure what it is- his charm, the looks of a model, his incredible ability as a quarterback- but for over five years, I’ve been borderline worshipful of him. (Okay, fine, it’s crossed the border into Canada by this point.)

I am also just as passionate, if not more so, about the sport of football- I’ve been an avid fan of the Patriots for a long time and I greatly enjoy watching as many games as I can during the season. When they won the Super Bowl this past year, I cried a little too hard for someone not involved with the organization in any sense. During the season, my Twitter account is littered with full on rants about the various aspects of every game. I’ve even tinkered with fantasy football leagues, though I’m still really confused as to how online drafts work (on the off chance that you can help, please contact me).

There are, of course, clear downsides to football. The violence involved in the game can injure players like no other sport, and the National Football League struggles to figure out how to deal with the game’s increasing brutality. The violence on field seems to translate into real life for some athletes; NFL players seem to commit more crimes- or, at least, have their crimes more publicized- than players of other sports, and the NFL can’t seem to figure out how to punish their players correctly. There seems to be a controversy around every corner for the different players, owners, and coaches- from deflating balls to insulting team names.

So I think it makes sense when I say that my main problem with football is the NFL itself.

For a long time, I have been able to shut out my various complaints about the NFL because I enjoyed the game so much. I could mostly ignore the dispute between disgruntled referees and the league in 2012 that led to replacement referees bungling calls for the first three weeks of the regular season. I was even able to shut out the 2011 lockout of the players themselves due to disagreements with the league over the collective bargaining agreement (a labor agreement). Honestly, I didn’t even really care about the league’s treatment of players with drug and steroid offenses for a long time.

Everything changed after the punishment for Tom Brady’s “Deflategate” (quotes because it’s an annoying name) scandal was handed down by commissioner Roger Goodell. Brady was slapped with a four-game suspension and the Patriots were fined one million dollars and lost first- and fourth-round draft picks because it was “probable” that Brady played a significant part in the illegal deflating of footballs during a playoff game. Brady and Goodell are currently appearing in federal court to settle the matter.

But I am not here to talk about why the punishment was ridiculous; as a Patriots fan, I am clearly biased, and, honestly, everything that can be said about it has already been said. This is old news.

What I want to talk about is how the punishment opened my eyes to the true nature of the NFL, particularly the laughable way in which Goodell disciplines his players. I was already disappointed in the league for other problems this year, but Brady’s punishment was the straw that broke the camel’s back, so to speak. Not just because of the suspension itself, but what it meant in the league.

Let me continue to link this to “Deflategate,” (because, you know, I’m still mad about it). The second I heard what Brady’s suspension entailed, I immediately thought about what had been the most high-profile case of the year prior to Brady: former Ravens running back Ray Rice’s ordeal after he was caught on video potentially assaulting his then-fiancé. Rice was originally suspended two games to begin the season and sought treatment. Then, another, more telling video was released by TMZ, and Goodell increased Rice’s suspension indefinitely.

That was really when all hell broke loose for the league. Goodell was already heavily criticized for only suspending Rice two games at the beginning. But once he increased the suspension- one he eventually got overturned in court- it got even worse. Critics said that Goodell had no right to increase Rice’s suspension. Goodell frantically tried to cover his already confusing tracks; he claimed that Rice had been “ambiguous” about the event, a statement later said to be false by Ravens owner Ozzie Newsome, who asserted that Rice had been completely honest with Goodell.

The whole situation seemed completely chaotic to onlookers such as myself and, more than likely, even worse to those on the inside. Former FBI director Robert Mueller, head of the investigation, said that the NFL “should have done more.” Look, I’m talking about old news here, but come on. You had an FBI director conducting a simple investigation on a football player and couldn’t find anything, but TMZ managed to get this damning video? There was no evidence to suggest that league officials had seen the video prior to the release, but what’s worse- lying about seeing it or not making any effort to find it?

The problem with Roger Goodell is that he has absolutely no structure to what he does. After admitting that he made a mistake following the original two-game suspension, he implemented a new code of conduct regarding domestic assault. First-time offenders would get six games without pay, and a second offense would be a lifetime ban. The issue was that he suspended Rice indefinitely following this new protocol, which didn’t make any sense. I’m not condoning domestic assault in any sense, and I think offenders deserve at least a full-season ban, but Rice did not legally fall into the jurisdiction of the new punishment because it was enacted in the wake of his own. The indefinite suspension was just Goodell attempting to look like he would start to have a heavy hand on issues that actually matter. All he wanted to do was cover up the fact that he originally thought it fit to suspend a domestic abuser only two games.

The more I think about it, the more I notice lapses in judgment and complete contradictions by Goodell in terms of discipline. Recently, Goodell reduced Dallas Cowboys defensive end Greg Hardy’s domestic violence suspension from ten games to four. This case was not handled well by the commissioner, either- Hardy was originally placed on the commissioner’s exempt list, where he received pay but did not play while his case was being evaluated. After Hardy’s case was thrown out in local court, Goodell suspended Hardy ten games, then reduced it to four after Hardy’s appeal. Confusing? A little. Wasn’t the new rule six games? Who knows, at this point?

I won’t pretend to completely understand legal nuances, but I will say with complete conviction that I should not have to equate deflating footballs with domestic assault. It angers me that Brady currently has to sit out the same number of games as Hardy and twice the number of games originally given to Rice, especially because there was no precedent set by the league prior to his deflating balls.

That’s something that does not sit right with me and shouldn’t sit right with anybody. Goodell is attempting to set precedents in the league and prove that he is tough, but all he is getting in return is a lot of problems. Tom Brady is currently in court attempting to get his suspension overturned- just for a couple of footballs. This should not turn into an ordeal the size of Ray Rice’s.

So I guess I lied when I said that I wouldn’t talk about why the Brady’s punishment was incorrect, because I think that I inadvertently have. What can I say? I may be biased in terms of my team, but I am absolutely not biased when it comes to fair and equal punishment. It is good that the NFL wants to punish players for cheating and drug use and is now extending to domestic and sexual abuse, but if no one knows what the standards for punishment are, how can we possibly expect anything less than a massive ordeal? It takes away from the game and doesn’t bode well for young people watching. I have zero confidence in the NFL front office not just as a football fan, but as a feminist, as a staunch supporter of the move against sexual assault and domestic abuse, and as a human being. If the NFL cannot discipline their players properly, problems will continue. I will stand by that until I’m satisfied with clear rules in the league.

You can only enjoy Tom Brady’s face for so long.