Every day I look in the mirror and all I see is a person who is lost, confused, hurt, and angry. I'm lost because he made me think I was someone that I was not, and I'm confused because now that he is gone from my life I do not know what to believe and I don't even know if I have a personality disorder that he claimed I had.
Better yet I don't know if I am a good person everyone says I am. I'm angry because I loved this guy more than I love myself and I trusted him with all my feelings and even my rough upbringing. Someway, somehow he led me to believe that everything about me he said is true.
Every day is an uphill battle for me. I have to wake up every day and be strong for myself. I have to keep reminding myself that he is never going to change and that I am better off without him. I have to tell myself that I am a beautiful person, even on days where it's hard to believe. Some days are better than other days. I admit there are times when I just want to give up.
Because of him, I am nonchalant in public settings because I am still afraid that if I express my emotions, I am crazy. Although I am a genuine person I can act cold and for that I am sorry. I am afraid that whatever emotion I express I would get belittled. I honestly do not know when things will get better to the point where I can express my emotions but I am slowly getting there.
I still remember the night that I had almost committed suicide because of words that were said about me a few days prior. He made me feel ugly both on the inside and out, and even though I had expressed to him how things that he says hurts me, it would always lead to him acting like he was the victim, when in reality I was the victim.
It had seemed like I was never pretty to him and I became alone to where I started having sex with another guy to fill the void (although that itself was not a good idea).
Every day I have to remind myself that I am the only person I have. This relationship taught me how cruel people can be even if it is not in a physical way. I thank the man above me every day for getting me out of that relationship because had I graduated and moved in with him, things could have been more worse. Thanks to people who were also in his life, I got to learn the harsh truths about him and how lucky I am.
People may ask why I stayed with him for as long as I did although I had seen so many red flags. What I will say is that when I met him I was in a bad place already. I just wanted someone who I can go to and who can take my mind off of the things that were going on in my own life. I wanted someone who wouldn't make me feel as if I had no friends and that I was unlikable. I guess when it came to finding an outlet through other people I always have bad luck.
Getting out of a toxic relationship is hard but at the end of the day, it is worth it. One thing that people need to know is that time heals all wounds but it is also the things you do that helps as well.
After my break-up, I started writing more and reaching out to friends. I also got the haircut that I always wanted but my ex said was "too masculine." I started to smile more and become a bit more confident knowing that I didn't need to impress anyone but myself. That is what freedom from abuse looks like.