Sometimes, things just end. And I'm going to start off by saying that. I'm not going to sugarcoat it or anything - I'm just going to cut to the chase and say that sometimes, things don't last forever. But here is the thing: that's totally okay. And for you college kids in particular, not only is that completely alright, it's normal, too.
I have learned that I am going to experience a lot of things as I grow up, and branch through my twenties and embark on a crazy life, dealing with adult situations, celebrations, exciting adventures and wild escapades, and the simplicity of not wanting to deal with grown-up stuff because it'll make me want to pull my hair out. I'm talking about paying off those tedious student loans that will haunt me forever, and the smallest task such as paying off bills. Yeah, that's the broad aspect of things and honestly, I am trying to take it day by day. Just like the new situations that will occur in my life, they will also fade. One will come in, and the other will drift. This happens with people, too. This was kind of a sad, rude awakening for me when I was younger, because I thought that once you found your best friend, you were going to be best friends forever. Now that I am in college and not middle school or high school, I'm finding that it doesn't hurt so much when I lose a friend. Instead, I begin to realize some things. I do believe that there is a silver lining to almost everything if you think about it.
It's not like I don't have a heart or anything. I do get naturally bummed out when a friend drifts away in my life, but it also depends on what kind of person that they are. I have had my fair share of dealing with some very toxic "friends", and it made me come to a conclusion that they weren't my friend at all - instead, they were just using me to stroke their ego, or they just saw me as a person to hang out with so they weren't bored. It brought on this clarity for me. And I mean, we're human, and we have those tendencies. But, I don't want a friend like that. As people shuffle through others when finding those "friends for life" individuals, they break off friendships, and they gain some. It's just the way things go as we grow and learn more about ourselves. We discovery what we know we deserve, and what kind of people we want to surround ourselves with. And sometimes, it's okay to be high maintenance when finding those "gems" that could potentially be your best friends. Other times, it's perfectly find to break off friendships because it was bringing the worst out in you, or was draining you.
When I was younger, I was the ultimate "people pleaser". I stayed in certain friendships because I didn't want to be alone. I knew it was better if I stayed in my circle of "friends" feeling miserable and taking verbal abuse and mild bullying instead of standing up for myself and marching to the beat of my own drum - regardless of what other people might say. I was fourteen, fifteen, sixteen when I was the biggest pushover/people pleaser. Looking back, it's almost embarrassing . . . almost cringe worthy. It makes me thankful knowing that I gained a lot of strength and changed in that aspect. But during those dreadful times throughout high school, I would do what everyone told me to do, I wouldn't say no, and I would just take being purposely left out and being the "slave" of the group. They all knew that I was the weakest one, and they knew that I was the most sensitive, making me an easy target.
I remember being a freshman in high school and having this group of girl friends that I had since about seventh grade. The middle school days were surprisingly easier with them, and I'll never know why. But in high school, things got brutal and I think it's because freshman year is the year where people kind of start to change and transition in some way - for better or worse. Either way, it's a weird time. Nonetheless, this group of friends that I had turned into a nightmare for me, but I endured it.
They would make inside jokes, purposely dis-included me and talk about their adventures in front of me because they knew it would bother me. Back then, I hated feeling left out more than anyone that I knew. At lunch, they would giggle over stupid things that made no sense, but I desperately wanted to know what it was. And looking back, it was probably some stupid fourteen year old girl inside joke that made no sense whatsoever. Either way, I wanted to feel apart of something. Afterwards, we would always dump our trays and then walk around the cafeteria, talking, gossiping, what have you. Two of the girls in my group would say "Julia, we're going for a walk around the cafeteria.
You can stay here." And it's funny, because they treated me like I was a little kid or something, even though I was older than both of them. They made me feel incredibly stupid because I struggled so much in school. They would brag about their straight A's, and would set me up for "political questions" or any question at all because they knew I would freeze up and not know what to say - hence making me look like an unintelligent fool. They knew what made me tick, and they acknowledged that I lacked self-esteem. They took advantage of that because they were mean girls who I never stood up to for years. One day I remember in particular, was when they purposely ignored me. I would say something and one of the girls would say "Hey, do you guys here something? Because I don't." My stomach would drop and I felt like throwing up. They would then giggle obnoxiously, and I could feel tears welling in my eyes. I hated being so sensitive, and I hated being a weak, people pleaser.
My worry brought them constant satisfaction, and for the rest of the day, they ignored me and got a kick out of it. Even though it was horrible, I still wanted and craved their attention. How silly, right? Not to a fifteen year old girl. I went home that day, sobbing my eyes out to my step-dad, and held me telling me that he never liked those girls anyway and I had to stand up to them because I didn't deserve any of it. I continued to sob, saying I was too afraid. I knew that he was right, but I didn't want to be friendless. And I wanted their approval.
I continued to suffer for the next year and a half, somehow surviving on their rude, immature, mean-girl codes, their dramatic ways that made me have the case of "FOMO." But yeah... I didn't stand up to them even though I witnessed everything. They even made fun of me for being friends with someone they didn't like, and I had to act like I didn't like her either just to stay in their little circle. It was painful and made me anxiety ridden. They gossiped and gossiped, and they were really ugly the way that they treated me.
One day, when I was a junior, something inside of me snapped. I was seventeen years old when I was officially through with being the seemingly "laughing stock" of the gang. I didn't deserve to be surrounded by people who took me for granted and kept me around to boost their self esteem. I was a smart, wonderful, kind girl who wanted to be friends with people who brought out the best in me, make me feel happy, safe and positive - the kind of traits that you find in REAL friendships. So, I ended it. I ended it all, and it kind of just stopped. There wasn't an official "break up", no fights or anything. I just didn't care anymore. Honestly, I have no idea how it prevailed and I don't care. One of the girls who was incredibly mean to me actually ended up writing me a letter apologizing for all that she had done to ridicule me, and she even said she was proud of who I was becoming. I was surprised, and kind of shocked, but I felt better about myself. I felt stronger. Today, her and I are on good terms and we look at it as just "stupid, silly high school stuff." Still, it also taught me to stand up for myself, so there is that.
I started to "blossom" towards the end of my junior year into my senior year of high school and graduation. I won't go into all of the details because that will just take a billion hours, but I will say that I was beginning to turn into a person who I could potentially be proud of forever. I was still a messy eighteen year old girl who made mistakes, but I was learning and I was becoming stronger, and less and less weak. I had obtained this "I don't give a sh!t" persona. I wasn't rude to the people, oh, not at all. But with me, my method was being honest with them, and then moving on, even if they were mean to me. I would say something witty, hopefully have the last word, stop talking to them, and jam out to some music that pumped me up. The best part about this, was I knew that I was making the right decisions by ending these friendships. They were toxic, and the fact that I was giving myself a lot of self-love, also let me respect myself as well. Each time I would cut someone off, I would feel stupid for ever being their friend, but then realize it was because I see the good in people. But the bottom line was that I ended them for the better, and that was that.
After high school, I ended up terminating more toxic relationships. It wasn't like I wanted to. I wish they would have worked, but sometimes you have to say "good riddance" and turn your back and keep moving forward. When ending certain relationships, either it ends badly or we just simply drift apart. I ended one toxic friendship last year and I was very civil with it. However, it resulted in them responding with a very cruel manner. Actually, probably one of the meanest yet. But that proved my point further on why I couldn't be their friend. They got mad at me because I was being authentic about my feelings? Fine. They said awful things to me and tried to hurt me? Fine. I don't care. Go for it. Goodbye. I was on such a streak, and It was kind of sad that I was because that showed how many toxic relationships I had. I deserve the best, just like anyone else. It hurts sometimes, but other times it feels so damn relieving. I am on the road to true friendships.
Looking back, I recognize that I am not the way I am today for no reason. It's not just about figuring out who my real friends are, or standing up for myself - it's about realizing what I need in this life of mine to make it a positive one. If I didn't go through certain experiences when I was a young teenager, I wouldn't have made it to where I am today: a more self assured (still obsess-oriented, yes...), more confident in my decisions, resilient and strong young woman who regrets less now more than ever. I've surprised myself, and I continue to surprise myself every day.
You can, too.
