Ever since I was a little girl, I have always felt as though I did not fit into the social norm; I had a lot of energy but I tended to be incredibly shy. Because of this, for some strange reason I had difficulty making friends. When I did make a friend, they would eventually leave me and become friends with someone else. All of those months of getting up the nerve to ask other girls in my neighborhood if they wanted to play "Barbie" with me would just become a memory to me. It is interesting how rather this innocent example is still relevant for me and I will be a senior in college.
Why is it that almost every person I hold a bond with tends to "forget" that I still exist? It just makes me feel like I am not good enough for anyone, whether it be through platonic friendships or even some family members. I am not asking for pity or anything but it has always been a question of mine since I was little, "Is it really that easy to forget me"? Sometimes I think that if I were more outgoing, people would like me more. Yes, I will admit that I tend to be a people pleaser, but can you blame me? I want to be more than the "nice, pretty girl" that I am known for because I want to be someone to make a difference on people's lives. If I can make one person smile every day, it makes my feel so much better.
At this point in my life, I have become more confident in myself in that I refuse to be the one to always initiate every get-together or conversation with people. If someone really cares about you, they will find a way to reach you. This is something new for me because I was always the type of person to be initiating every conversation, every get-together, etc. It was exhausting trying to please everyone this way. I am done trying to please people and am finally becoming my own person. With that being said, I am not ignoring people (friends, family, etc.), but I am not going to put in the effort if someone is not going to reciprocate the same effort back. I understand that life gets busy but I should not be the only person reaching out. If anyone reading this thinks that this is written about them, it might be but consider the fact that this feeling of "I will never be good enough for people to stay with me" has been occurring since I was a little girl - aka there have been more than one person to have walked away from me.
I am not perfect and I have been that friend to have purposely distanced myself with someone (sometimes you get to know people and you know your close friendship is better off acquainted), but it just hurts when the people closest to you stop reaching out to you anymore and you feel like you don't know what you did wrong. As far as old friendships go, I will always be the type of friend who will be there for someone even though things may have fizzled out so I wish nothing but the best for everyone who I have had the chance to get to know. If you are reading this and know you were one to distance yourself from me, please know that I do not hate you, I just hate the feeling of losing someone again and as long as you are happy, I am happy too.