With the rise of hookup culture, the hearts of old souls, like myself, get broken time and time again. The casual dynamics that start off completely harmless either end abruptly or fizzle out with no closure. I'm the kind of person that needs to have a label for everything in my life. Labeling is a coping skill of mine. Being able to identify what something actually is with a word helps me deal with it and feel better about it.
Not even a year ago, I broke up with someone who started off as my best friend and claimed we would have a serious future together. His actions did not meet his words and I realize all the hurt he caused me was because of narcissistic personality disorder. I spent the following five months in therapy, feeling and grieving, not only the relationship but also the experiences I missed out on, the people I never met but could have had I not been with him, as well as the pain I caused my loved ones staying in the relationship.
Bottom line, it took a lot of time for me to even begin feeling like my true self again. As I started becoming more and more comfortable in my own skin again, gaining confidence in my ability to perform well in my classes, as well as taking on leadership roles in my sorority, my self-esteem increased. I had to rebuild it from the bottom up. What matters is that I was actually able to confront my demons and become an even stronger and better version of myself.
As much as it hurts, I'm finally able to identify what I need and what no longer serves me. In these past nine months, there were dynamics that popped up in place of the relationship I had with my ex. We weren't dating, but we also weren't really friends. I kept telling myself that eventually, he would see me for the person I actually am, someone who is sweet, smart, goofy, kind — that he would eventually choose me. Which wasn't really fair to him since he didn't know there even was a choice.
The longer this dynamic continued without any formal closure, the more I started to doubt myself and who I had become, putting the progress I made at risk. I didn't like this person. I didn't like looking in the mirror and feeling worthless because he wouldn't make time to see me or wouldn't text me. It began to hurt. It was no longer fun for me. He broke my heart time and time again, without even realizing it, just how my ex had, and the exes before that one.
I now know that I can't settle for anything less than I deserve. It's easier to say that than it is to actually believe it, but I finally do. I have little patience for those who don't know what they want, mainly because I've finally figured out what I do, and it isn't a situationship. It isn't a casual encounter, a hookup, or a relationship where their words don't match their actions.
I used to care so much about what guys thought about my appearance because it was an insecurity of mine. If they thought I was pretty, then I must be worth something. But that isn't the case anymore, my appearance isn't the standard by which I want to be evaluated. I want those who are interested in me, to see me for who I really am, and that is more than just a pretty face caught in a situationship.