Five Random Questions I Had Watching The Patriots' Season Opener

How’s that for you, Roger?

The New England Patriots, defending Super Bowl champs, won their first game of the 2015 season Thursday night against the Pittsburgh Steelers with an excellent game from their quarterback, Tom Brady (remember when we thought he wouldn’t play for the first four games? What a world we live in), a boatload of touchdowns by tight end/tank Rob Gronkowski, and a whole lot of making the defense look foolish on Julian Edelman’s part. Plus, you know, the Steelers are just the worst, so seeing the sadness in coach Mike Tomlin’s eyes was fun, too.

All in all, not a bad night for a Pats fan. Here are five irrelevant questions I had while watching the season opener:

1. Did Roger Goodell’s icy heart shatter every time Tom Brady threw a touchdown?

If there was any question of whether or not #12 would come back from “Deflategate” with a vengeance, it was laid to rest with a grand funeral after his nineteenth straight complete pass. This beautiful, godlike man successfully channeled his anger from the whole Roger-Goodell-is-an-idiot debacle into four touchdowns and a complete dismantling of the Steelers’ defense. Tom was on fire the whole night and he knew it- and you better believe he knew that Roger Goodell knew it. The silent power emanating from him throughout the game was probably enough to make James Harrison quake in his cleats. Speaking of…

2. …James Harrison’s still here? Oh.

This is James Harrison’s third stint with the Steelers. He’s like that boyfriend that you keep leaving because you’re bored of him and then you go back to him because you can’t do any better and your defensive line is depleted. I didn’t notice much of James Harrison and I didn’t expect to. This is more of a comment on the poor Steelers defense than anything else. Their secondary is made up of a few children and their pass rush is confusing to behold. What happened to the Steel Curtain? Oh, right, they all rusted out. Ha ha ha sorry.

3. Incredelman or Minitron?

That’s the only question we should have about Julian Edelman at this point. His abilities have been clearly proven over the past few seasons. Turns out he wasn’t just a security blanket for Tom Brady back when they had virtually no one back in 2013 when Wes Welker ABANDONED US (it’s fine we’re fine WE’RE FINE NOW OKAY WES WE DON’T NEED YOU!!)- he’s become Brady’s favorite wide receiver and second-favorite target behind Gronk himself. Jules and Tommy are also best friends. I wonder what they do when they hang out. Play catch?

4. How much are tickets for Gronk’s Party Ship?

Going on a cruise with Rob Gronkowski and his family sounds like the only way one would want to spend three days in February. Favorite Gronk quote of all time came after he saw the video of the fight at the end of the Super Bowl: “Roger, that wasn’t me. Don’t fine me. I gotta buy a new party bus.” Ask anyone in New England if they’d take a ride on said party bus and they’d say yes. Who can argue with three touchdown receptions and 94 yards in the season opener? Even scarier for opposing teams? I’ve seen him do even better. This’ll be a fun year.

5. When will watching Malcolm Butler’s Super Bowl XLIX interception get old?

Never. Next?

BONUS: I’m giving one to the Steelers because I’m not cold-hearted. Here: Can you imagine what the Patriots would look like if they had Antonio Brown?

Tom Brady could make an inanimate mop and bucket tight end duo look good. If Antonio Brown regained his good senses and left the Steelers organization, I think Gillette Stadium would spontaneously combust.

He can bring the hair, too.

BONUS x2: Watch this video if you want to feel something. You're welcome.