You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be and I don't wanna go home right now. -- Goo Goo Dolls

All my good posts seem to be about a boy who I loved, who loved me + who thought he had it all but then I wrecked, trashed + skewed his point of view of this "I just want you to know who I am" kind of love. I feel like he would understand my concepts better if he actually read these posts about him, but who am i kidding, he probably does. He probably feels pretty dang good knowing that he isn't the one who messed up, + that four years later I'm feeling confused, broken, like a train was suppose to pick me up for a ride across town but wrecked right before it got to me. He's probably feeling really good knowing that he now has a forever kind of love, + the only love I ever get is when my dog climbs in my car to welcome me home after a long day of class or work. I'm not for sure if I always feel worse after writing these post about him or during the process. The process feels like a football game that has gone into four overtimes + no one has scored that winning touchdown. You know when you listen to Green Day's "Wake Me Up When September Ends" and you kind of zone out a little bit? That's how my heart feels every time I hear any Goo Goo Dolls song or anything that makes me think of this boy who will forever hold my dark black cold bitter heart in his hands.

I've realize that the only way to get over this boy is to think about him constantly. I know that sounds really silly, + probably the worse idea I have ever had besides that one time I thought it was okay to go to get a smoothie that cost almost 15 dollars. Thinking of him, listening to songs that remind me of him, going to places that make me think of him...... those will just become places + songs one day without his face being put with them. My emotions are always all over the place + going to these places, listening to those songs almost help me believe I'm human again instead of living in a fantasy world where he never left me + we lived happily ever after in a huge house with 100 dogs. But who am I kidding, dreams aren't suppose to last forever. Dreams screw us up. We dream this about a person + then low + behold we lose that person. We go through life thinking that we could live with a person forever + we could be immensely head over heels for this person till eternity. We substitute a person for everything else. We always think getting over someone will be a quick fix for all of our other problems. Getting over this boy will literally take everything I have in me, but one day these raw emotions will be over. I will stop crying every night wishing he could make it all better, I will stop wishing for the happily ever after I see in movies, I will stop thinking he is the one for this dark cold bitter heart of mine + I will stop believing that I am a screwed up savage that does not deserve love when I deserve the best kind of love, the love my parents have, + the love that is attainable. I lost myself when he walked away, + I just gotta seek adventure to find myself again. Here's to finding myself again without his opinion on who I am or who I will be. His opinion of me does not define who I am. I may be splitting my heart open every time I think of him, but sometimes you have to bleed just to know you're alive.