Fighting For My Write

Fighting For My Write

This was not easy to write about.

This week, as I began to brainstorm ideas for my weekly article, I was almost decided on a topic when, out of the literal thin air, it came to me.

A few weeks back, I wrote what many would call a"controversial" article. I didn't mean for it to cause controversy, it just kind of happened. I don't like being a disappointment, and reading the mean things made me feel like my existence at Southern Miss was not worth it.

I suffer with anxiety and depression. I promise you, that is a foul mix that is not so fun. It is a daily struggle of not wanting to get up and overanalyzing conversations. I love writing, and as a matter of fact, it literally saved my life. My freshman year of college was extremely hard. Small things would send me into depressive moods and I would be unable to pull myself out.

For my first semester of college, I was suicidal. There, I said it. I was your stereotypical college freshman who was unused to being away and I thought about killing myself on a daily basis. While many are shocked at this revelation, it is okay because now I am okay, I just wasn't then. I hid it then, but I am ready to be open about that time and talk about my struggles to help people.

That was a time in my life when I was unaware of who or what to do. I had to first find myself before trudging on to do greater things. Where I was most comfortable and where I found myself was when I immersed myself in my characters and wrote. I tried to tie my struggles into their lives and do what a better version of me would do. In reality, there is no real "better" version of myself, only the one that finds solace in the fact that I live naturally in a plasticized world. There can be no artificial me, only the one that is constantly present.

I am past my days of suicidal thoughts now, but depression is still a daily struggle that can be hard to overcome. When it gets bad, I turn to my countless journals that I have put in my life to ensure that whenever an idea comes, I can write it down. Seeing a not so clear idea become a core concept of some of my stories makes my heart soar. I love finding a love so pure when I can overcome my own depressive thoughts make everything worth it.

So back to the controversial article. I understand that many of my peers were quite upset over its contents. However, at the end of the day, we need to unite in kindness. I love Southern Miss, and I even love it when it is not so kind to me back. Reading the somewhat harsh criticism when I was simply trying to provide some comic relief in this difficult transition of power we are facing right now was brutal. While I wasn't brought back to where I used to be, it still cut deep. At the end of the day, I am a student, just like many of you. I have feelings, too.

I'm lucky because I got the help I needed. Now, I face the challenges that life throws at me with sincerity and optimism. My writing played the central role in my literal existence of being here today. I may "just be a writer." However, I am a writer who will change the world, one word at a time.

Cover Image Credit: LaunchSquad

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If You've Ever Been Called Overly-Emotional Or Too Sensitive, This Is For You

Despite what they have told you, it's a gift.

Emotional: a word used often nowadays to insult someone for their sensitivity towards a multitude of things.

If you cry happy tears, you're emotional. If you express (even if it's in a healthy way) that something is bothering you, you're sensitive. If your hormones are in a funk and you just happen to be sad one day, you're emotional AND sensitive.

Let me tell you something that goes against everything people have probably ever told you. Being emotional and being sensitive are very, very good things. It's a gift. Your ability to empathize, sympathize, and sensitize yourself to your own situation and to others' situations is a true gift that many people don't possess, therefore many people do not understand.

Never let someone's negativity toward this gift of yours get you down. We are all guilty of bashing something that is unfamiliar to us: something that is different. But take pride in knowing God granted this special gift to you because He believes you will use it to make a difference someday, somehow.

This gift of yours was meant to be utilized. It would not be a part of you if you were not meant to use it. Because of this gift, you will change someone's life someday. You might be the only person that takes a little extra time to listen to someone's struggle when the rest of the world turns their backs.

In a world where a six-figure income is a significant determinant in the career someone pursues, you might be one of the few who decides to donate your time for no income at all. You might be the first friend someone thinks to call when they get good news, simply because they know you will be happy for them. You might be an incredible mother who takes too much time to nurture and raise beautiful children who will one day change the world.

To feel everything with every single part of your being is a truly wonderful thing. You love harder. You smile bigger. You feel more. What a beautiful thing! Could you imagine being the opposite of these things? Insensitive and emotionless?? Both are unhealthy, both aren't nearly as satisfying, and neither will get you anywhere worth going in life.

Imagine how much richer your life is because you love other's so hard. It might mean more heartache, but the reward is always worth the risk. Imagine how much richer your life is because you are overly appreciative of the beauty a simple sunset brings. Imagine how much richer your life is because you can be moved to tears by the lessons of someone else's story.

Embrace every part of who you are and be just that 100%. There will be people who criticize you for the size of your heart. Feel sorry for them. There are people who are dishonest. There are people who are manipulative. There are people who are downright malicious. And the one thing people say to put you down is "you feel too much." Hmm...

Sounds like more of a compliment to me. Just sayin'.

Cover Image Credit: We Heart It

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Depression Is A Balancing Act That Is And Isn't In Our Control

Managing depression can sometimes feel overwhelming.


*Warning: Before reading any further is that this article will be talking about heavy topics such as depression and suicide.*

Depression in this day and age is a very sticky topic to talk about. Yes, we are becoming more aware and accepting of the issue, but we still have a long ways to go in terms of really know how we can be there for people in a way that's most effective and where they don't feel judged because of it.

I have dealt with depression most of my life and especially going through college. It didn't become a big thing for me till I came to college, and then having to navigate my issue of it. Whether that's talking about it friends vaguely about it, bottling it all in, going for professional help, etc. It's one of the many reasons why I'm afraid of meeting someone new, or wanting to be in a relationship, I was afraid of the judgment and feeling that if I told someone they either might not want to do anything with me, say it's too much for them, etc.

Now some of those fears, in my opinion, were unjustified in a sense that yes even though it is important for people to be there for me in my time of need, I need to be conscious of how much I share and whether they can take that piece of me I shared. It's a balancing act that is hard to manage, but it allows me for a much-needed look into myself of what actually makes me happy, what doesn't, what triggers my depression and going out of my way to make sure I don't let it take control of me.

The depression took me to places, very dark places that I'm happy to have push through, with my depression it made my thoughts go into suicidal ideation, and even hurting myself, an act that I never thought I would ever do but thankfully I had people in my life that helped me overcome that and going to talk to a professional.

Depression is a mental health issue that most everyone struggles with regardless of where they're at in life, it can come like a tidal wave, or not at all. It's an internal struggle with ourselves, and we do our best trying to get through it. I know that I'm not alone in this, and if you're reading this you're not alone either.

Don't be afraid to talk about it, but be mindful of other people and how much you can share in order for them to be able to process it, go for professional help, exercise, hang out with friends. Don't let depression fully control your life, it won't go away but if we can manage it in a way that helps us be able to keep it under control then that's a win.

If you or someone you know is experiencing suicidal thoughts, call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline — 1-800-273-8255

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