I stepped onto the pool deck and swallowed my anxious tears. At the state swim meet, I held the position of anchor for my team’s medley relay that was expected to come in first. I had every reason to be confident, but my thoughts fell subject to the burdens of inadequacy. The pressure on my shoulders was indescribable—I desperately needed to pull through for the other three members of my relay team, who had an edge on me when it came to swimming. I looked at my best friend in the eyes saying, “I don’t think I can do this.” She could see how nervous I was and assured me with a warm embrace and kind words. I knew what was expected of me, and I did not want to let them down. I stood behind the starting block and I could feel my wrinkly toes soaking up the water on the pool deck. Millions of thoughts were screaming at me at this moment, but all I could think about was swimming my team to a victory. I stepped up onto the block, preparing myself for my leg in the relay. Touch and go. I glided through the water with ease, focusing solely on making it to the finish. Finally, I threw my arm at the touchpad and immediately glanced up at the scoreboard to see the number “1” next to “Narragansett.” I looked up at my teammates and coaches—everyone was visibly ecstatic. I had a smile painted on my face for the rest of the day because I knew I had done it for them, not for myself. To this day, nothing compares to the way I felt in that very moment.

I never thought I would say it, but I desperately miss this feeling. I was the captain of both the volleyball and swim teams at my high school during my senior year, and I would do anything to relive those moments of intensity. I remember playing in the state championship volleyball game during my junior year. I can still hear the roar of the crowd as well as my coach yelling to us as we threw ourselves across the court, simply trying to keep the ball alive. We ended up losing the most important game of them all, which was devastating for all of us because we had just finished an undefeated regular season.

Almost two years after I graduated from high school, I have realized that being on sports teams is what I miss most about being in high school. Sports have always served as an outlet for my anxiety and turmoil. If anything, I have discovered that simply exercising is much different from playing on a team. Being a part of a team involves cooperation, patience, and collaboration. As a team, we suffered through difficult practices together and experienced the highs and lows of winning and losing. Every time I stepped on the court or dove in the pool, I felt as if I was in an altered reality. All of my worries and fears washed away with one stroke or one set. If I could bring one thing back from my past, it would be the adrenaline rush of participating in a championship game or race.