Since the dawn of time women have been trying to decode the unsolvable puzzle that is the male mind. We have gathered intel from other, more experienced females, we go through various trial and error phases, and we get our hearts broken in the process. It's a tough world out there, especially when you have no idea how to behave or what men really want from you. I have finally cracked the code. All the answers are now at our disposal ladies, and I want to share them all with you.
Let's say you meet a cute guy, and you think he's interested but you're not sure. How can we be sure? What should we do next if he is, in fact, interested? Fear not, for this is a guide on how to fulfill every need and unspoken desire that men may possess. The major keys to their happiness and yours, are as follows.
Be Informed:
Stalk him on all social media. Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Tumblr, etc. It’s very important to know who you’re getting involved with, so make sure you gather as much information about him as you can. Birthdays, bands he likes, foods he eats frequently, who his aunts are, when the last family function was and if his ex was there, and important things of that nature. BONUS: get his tinder and bumble account passwords to see what kind of girls he’s into…and block them all.
Keep it Spicy:
Try to flirt as much as possible (I mean it). Take every opportunity you get to let him know you’re interested. Make it spicy, make it fiery and remember sexual innuendos are our friend!!
He asks for the ketchup, what are you going to say? “yes, sure here you go.” Or “Is that all you want is some ketchup?…*wink*”
He says he likes you shoes, what are you going to say? “Oh, thank you! I’m boring!” or “I like everything about you because I’m exciting and confident and definitely interested...*wink*”
I think we all know which answer you should choose…*wink*
Stay Honest:
Tell him a lot of personal details on the first date. You had a crazy ex who almost killed you? Tell him. He wants to know. Your parents used to make you steal things from stores so they didn’t have to? Tell him. He wants to know. You had a rash in embarrassing place once? Tell him. He wants to know. You have a husband and family in another state because you blacked out at your sister’s bachelorette party in Vegas? Tell him. He wants to know. The more personal and shameful the story, the more intimate your connection will be. Secrets don’t make friends, and they don’t get you a boyfriend either.
Make him a priority:
Make sure to revolve everything around him. Your whole world now belongs to him. And what better way to show him your dedication other than changing your major, transferring into all his classes, and applying at his workplace? You want him to know that you’ll never get sick of him. TIP: some boys don’t like this much attention at first, but if you remain persistent I’m sure they’ll grow to love it.
Show the Love:
Blow up his phone. If he doesn’t answer your text for a little while, give him a call. If he doesn’t answer, call again. And again. Until he answers. Be persistent. He’ll love seeing that you care enough to leave 33 missed calls, two threatening voicemails, 12 missed facetimes and a subtweet or two. It shows passion. It shows raw emotion. It shows effort!! You want to seem crazy, why? Because they love crazy. "Crazy in Love" isn’t just a catchy Beyonce song. It’s a way of life.
Pay attention:
Hide in his closet while he sleeps. Now, I know what you’re thinking. “this is insane! How did I not think of this before?!” I know, it’s revolutionary. The main goal, much like step one, is to gather information. Some boys are shy but still need to be taken care of. Just hide out in there for a couple days, bring a note pad, some snacks, a couple of waters, and just wait. Think of yourself as a private investigator, invested in gathering private information. Take down how long he sleeps, what kind of toothpaste he uses, how often his mom checks in on him, if he has girls other than you coming over (see step 10 for futher instructions.), etc.
EXTRA CREDIT: take pictures of him sleeping or doing cute things from inside the closet and save them for a later date, you never know when you’ll need candids for Instagram!
Be Playful:
Be fun, exciting, and above all, original. Play games, like my personal favorite “hide and recover.” It’s a lot like hide and seek but instead of him coming to find you, you steal his pets and/or family until he agrees to love you forever. And if he doesn’t agree, he doesn’t “recover” whatever you took! Some girls have let me know that they’re not comfortable “kidnapping” people so I guess you could try taking his xbox/playstation or tv or all his shoes. Those might work, but trust me the best results come from “hiding” pets and close family members.
Vulnerability:
Now this is tricky. There’s controversy over showing emotions too soon, or being too vulnerable in front of men. You want to know my advice? Cry all the time. If something is bothering you, make sure to let him know (full force). Even if he has nothing to do with the reason why you’re upset, he needs to get a crash course in handling hysterical women. Every man learns the lesson sooner or later, it’s like a rite of passage. Just cry, and make sure it’s loud. It’ll show him that you trust him and feel safe.
BONUS TIP: it also doubles as a scaring mechanism. He’ll be so afraid to upset you; he won’t ever upset you.
Take interest in things he likes:
Agree with everything he says. He loves football? Guess what, so do you. He wants to take a six hour walk to catch a meowth in the north end? Guess what, so do you. He likes taxidermy? Guess what, he’s a weirdo and you should probably try to find a new boy. But the important thing here is to be attentive. Oh! Don’t forget to pretend you know what you’re talking about. Even if you have to ramble, don’t stop talking. They love to talk and discuss things, so don’t sit there like a boring uninterested loser. Talk it up like the uninformed persistent winner you are! Fake it till you make it, baby.
WOW HIM:
I find the hardest part about dating is the third parties that get involved. You know, like ex-girlfriends, unsupportive friends, or even just other girls. The best way to handle awkward situations like this is to face them head on. With your car. If his ex is texting him and won’t let you have him all to yourself, just flip your car in neutral while she’s walking up a hill, and BOOM. Problem solved. You must show dominance or no one will respect you. Hit them where it hurts. Literally.
This piece has been entirely satirical and sarcastic. I would not advise anyone to do any of these things if you genuinely have an interest in someone. I’d like to thank my friends for their real life experiences that inspired me to write this article.
Bella – step two
Bianca – step five
Vicki – step eight
