If anyone has ever been in a relationship, a sense of control may have commonly occurred. That feeling of being in control and in charge of something may give you a feeling of strength or purpose. Now, I am not talking about a relationship with your typical significant other, I am talking about a relationship with food. Sometimes it can be a good or bad relationship, but the majority of the time it is more of a struggle than an easy day to day task.

Normally I feel that eating should not be that difficult. Breakfast, lunch, dinner and a snack, right? A simple, normal, healthy 2,000 calories a day according to the FDA and any other website you may encounter such as WebMD. But 2,000 calories a day may not help one exactly lose weight, so some websites go by a chart. If you are a female who is 5"5 (like myself) and is trying to lose weight, a recommended calorie count of 1,500 calories per day may be your answer.

But what if you are not overweight and just hate what you see in the mirror? What if you can lose about 10-15 pounds and be healthier and stronger? Or what if your body is just begging for a healthy normal consumption a food? Trust me, these thoughts run through my head every day and the calorie counting has gotten old.

During my sophomore year of high school, the app called My Fitness Pal was introduced to me. For a while, the app did an excellent job as I counted my calories every day, journaled my exercise and saw how many nutrients I was consuming. A calorie count around 1,546 was my daily goal and on most days like any human, I went over about 100-200 calories. Who can just eat one cookie when you have a whole box of 40 of them sitting right in front of you?

I soon grew obsessed with the app and realized I did not want to count every single thing I ate, including a stick of gum (which is about 5 calories). The normal part of me who thought had control deleted the app and tried moving on. But my issues with food and weight crept up on me pretty frequently.

I never worried about what I ate and how much of it I ate because I was a pretty active kid. Although this may be hard to explain, I certainly do not consider myself to have an eating disorder, but most recently on one specific day, I remembered purposely seeing how long I can go without eating to see what would happen.

I woke up and had one cup of coffee, went to work and worked an approximate eleven-hour shift. The thought of food didn't really enter my head until around 7 p.m when I couldn't see straight. What was I trying to do to myself? I luckily realized that was not the right way to lose weight. I have good and bad days just like anyone else. For example, I would have a really great week. I would eat healthily and not over consume, go to the gym and feel really good about myself. During bad weeks, my legs will not get me to the gym. If I am eating and have an extra few chips I realize that my day has already been messed up because of those extra chips, so I am just going to binge like it doesn't matter.

I would like to know what the sensation of being full feels like because I am sure I have not felt fully satisfied with a normal amount of food in a long time. Part of me knows what a healthy amount of food looks like, yet it is almost impossible to just consume the minimum. On occasion, I eat when I am bored. The thought of gaining weight scares me and the scale has become my enemy.

The thought of anorexia and bulimia scare me as well. I feel that within myself I have the strength and the littlest amount of control when it comes to food. But that little amount may or may not cause havoc. As we speak it is around 3:30 p.m and as I am writing this I have just bit into my first piece of food for the day. Half of an RX bar because I am saving the other half for later since I overindulged too much yesterday. Restricting is not good and I try not to do that, I also try not to write down every single thing I eat.

All in all, putting my thoughts out there may encourage others to do so as well. I am almost positive the majority of females struggle with their weight and appearance as well but like I said before, who can eat just one cookie?