As if the upcoming election didn't leave us with enough difficult decisions to make, the NCAA tournament has provided us with one more... Dook versus Yale. How does one choose between the lesser of two evils? Well, have no fear. I'll help you make your decision right here.
1. Attire. Line them up and check them out. Who can wear the most Polo and pastels? Who has the best pair of Croakies? Who has the cleanest Sperrys? The winner here will manage to best fit their school's colors into a preppy outfit perfect for church on Sunday and brunch with Grandma.
2. Campus. This one is tough because neither can truly win. Take a seat on campus and sight see. Is anyone smiling in either place? Probably not. First to ten students who look like they're actually enjoying themselves wins.
3. Honor. What alumni can throw their alma mater pride in your face the fastest? Which one can boast about their accomplishments and fellow alumni in less than thirty seconds? We know this one is difficult because it involves you talking to them, but I promise, there's no way it won't be quick.
4. Argument. Line 'em up and get 'em started. Put a student from either university on the podium and let them fight it out. The first one to make you grateful that you don't attend their university is the obvious winner.
5. Player comparison. Let's just give it to Yale here. No one likes Grayson Allen, no one ever will. Sorry, Dookies, this one is an L.
The solution: Everyone throw up your prayers to the basketball gods. Let the basketballs deflate and the water be full of posion and let us rally for one thing: No one wants anyone to win this game.
