My parents said ever since I could walk, I would groove to any and every tune within an audible distance. They decided to put me in a dance class and it was love at first plié. For the first 13 years of my life, dance was not my only passion. I participated in softball, volleyball, basketball and horseback riding. I made a major decision in the eighth grade to make dance my full commitment and auditioned for the competition team at my local dance studio. This decision started a wild rollercoaster that would soon go off course.
The thing with dance is that it is all mental. The things I am about to say are not anyone's fault but my own. I have infinite love for every dance teacher I have ever had the privilege to take a class from, and so much love for every dancer I had the privilege to dance next to and be inspired by.
First of all, the only way a dancer can improve is if they truly believe in themselves and fight for exactly what they want to achieve. Yes, the other dancers in the room are also intimidating ranging at different levels of technique, but they are there to push you and make you stronger. They are also there for inspiration, for me at least. For awhile this flame was lit under my derrière and I wanted to be one of the best, naturally in any dancer's mind. I worked hard and didn't allow a single thing to step in front of my determination.
That lasted two years. Once I hit sophomore year of high school life started getting bad. Mentally I was not stable, which sure enough effected me physically. I spiraled into a depression and I gained 50lbs way too quickly. I would eat my feelings, cry at night, my face broke out with super bad acne, and I was always sick with a cold. Obviously, this effected my dancing. I started to hate dancing in front of mirrors, which is impossible to avoid in a dance studio. I hating seeing my body next to all of the other dancers. I hating wearing skin tight leotards everyday to ballet that outlined my newly formed fat rolls all over my stomach. I hated the costumes. My stamina disappeared. I couldn't even practice my solo once without almost passing out and my face turning red. I could barely keep up with the group, and it was getting harder for me to perform all of the steps that I once knew so well. I lost any flexibility that I had, and I honestly did not care anymore about anything.
I slowly became this girl that was filled with hate. My self esteem was diminished and I started to despise the one thing I loved -- dance. This mentality followed me everywhere, not only while I was in the dance studio. Going to school everyday was a struggle. Picking out what to wear everyday hurt. Packing a healthy lunch was harsh. I blamed dance on ruining my self esteem and ultimately, my life.
However, by senior year of high school life was started to clear up, along with my face and weight. I was not only dancing for my studio competitively, but I auditioned for my high school's varsity dance team and performed as well as competed with them for a year. Making that team was honestly the rekindle to the flame under my butt, because I had no confidence in myself that I would even make the team in the first place. The coach sat me down and told me how talented she thought I was and how she was upset that I never auditioned sooner.
Senior year of high school meant college was around the corner. I never thought about continuing my dance career outside of high school because I believed I wasn't good enough. Last minute, however, I signed up for the very last audition slot at Grand Valley State University's Dance Department. I walked out of that audition completely humiliated, exhausted, with no doubt in my mind that I would ever be accepted to dance at the college level. Little did I know, I was very wrong. I got my acceptance letter in the mail and I dropped to the floor crying.
As much as I claim dance ruined my life for those high school years, it also saved me. It gave me something to work towards. It kept me insanely busy with no social life outside of the girls I danced with. When I was dancing for two different teams my dance hours would start as soon as school got out around 3:00, and continue until 10 or even 11 p.m. My weekends were filled with Saturday practices and competitions.
Being accepted to dance at the college level is such an honor, and I did not take one day for granted. As my first year passed I realized my heart just wasn't in it as much as all of the dancers around me. My fellow GV dance department students are some of the most hardworking, dedicated, and determined individuals I have ever encountered. They continue to inspire me everyday and I am so grateful to have been given this experience to dance along side them. These kids eat, sleep, breathe and bleed dance. Upon completion of my first year I dropped dance to my minor and completed that minor by first semester of my junior year. My body is definitely thanking me, although my heart is not. Dance will always be the biggest passion in my life, but I am anxious to see what my future holds without dance being my main focus.
