“Antonin Artaud wrote on one of his drawings, 'Never real and always true,' and that is how depression feels. You know that it is not real, that you are someone else, and yet you know that it is absolutely true.”

I frequently consulted this quote from Andrew Solomon’s book, "The Noonday Demon," during my first year at SUNY Purchase College. I was on the cusp of 24, attending an ivory tower institution, and majoring in graphic design. I was pursuing my dreams.

And I had locked myself in my bedroom.

It had been almost a week since I attended classes. No work had been handed in. I ate like a mouse—a slice of toast here and there. I ate because I knew my body needed it. I had no hunger. No thirst. I lacked...everything. I felt nothing. At one point, I was convinced I was going to be institutionalized because I couldn’t do anything. I might as well have been catatonic.

My depression monster was winning. Something that once made me happy, school, had suddenly become a predator of stress. The pressure to become a better artist had overwhelmed me. I cracked. Broke. Whoops. Is there a power button? Have you tried turning it off and on?

After a few days, I finally emerged from my room. A step on the scale said I lost eight pounds. That’s a total of thirty pounds lost in the last semester just from stress vomiting (I was surprised to learn anxiety could manifest this way). What did school do to me? What the hell happened?

More importantly, how do I prevent that from happening again?

Upon my slow (and still currently ongoing) recovery, I began reaching out to others in my GD program. I quickly realized that almost every single person I spoke to suffered from some type of anxiety and/or depression. Hell, I met another person who also stress vomited. I quickly realized that I had discovered an epidemic in my department. A monster was loose and these young and malleable minds were were being hunted. But what could I do about it?

After a while, I noticed several people had begun approaching me for advice. Most of my classmates noticed my hiatus, and on my return I was a shaking, crazy-eyed, nervous wreck. They could hear me projectile vomiting in the bathroom down the hall. They knew I was managing something dark and wanted to know how. Here is what I’ve learned so far:

1. Find What You Love

My thing is anything “geeky.” Comics, films, books, and so on. I watched Marvel’s full announcement for “Phase 3” a dozen times. With each viewing, I grew more and more giddy with excitement. Hell, I cried during the live "Kingdom Hearts 3" announcement.
But why?

For me, a major part of this is the nostalgia. The familiarity. I grew up reading Spiderman, X-Men, and playing the Kingdom Hearts series. These things were a constant in my life. They are things I’m knowledgeable in. I take pride in this and it gives me a sense of identity. How many people can say they have a passion for something that lasts over a decade? You know that weird cousin of yours who has that baseball card collection? They may have the right idea. Be a part of something that you’d be proud of. Make yourself part of that community. You’d be surprised how happy these things can make someone.

2) Become More Self Aware

I realized this the other day in therapy. My therapist seems to always praise me in my discoveries of self reflection. I used to think this was a bad thing—how many existential crises can a person have? I’m a firm believer in the adage “Ignorance is bliss”. Thinking is a curse! Make it stop!

And I was completely wrong.

Self rumination is key in managing mental illness of any kind. Severe illnesses like major depressive disorder, bipolar, schizophrenia, and so on cannot be cured, only managed. But, it is possible to live a happy life despite suffering from an illness. By analyzing your past and current behaviors, you can begin to predict how you’ll react to certain situations. You’ll be able to tell when an “episode” is coming on. But more importantly, you’ll feel in control.

My depression has developed its own persona over the years, but the isolation episode I had described above was new. It was a depression I didn’t recognize. These types of situations are scary. In those instances you should begin to leave little reminders of who you are or what makes you happy. In my case I frequently admired the two dozen post-it notes my friends had lovingly stuck to my bedroom door a month prior. I was able to remind myself that, contrary to how I felt in that moment, I was not a piece of shit and had friends who adored me. Drop the nihilistic train of thought and remember you’re important and have a purpose.

3) Eat, Sleep, Exercise, Repeat

I know, I know, you’ve heard this before, but that’s because it works.

You’d think that because I’m writing all of this that I’m doing better, right? Nah. Granted, I’m living my life and doing what I need to do. But there are days where I feel the depression creeping on and lose my appetite. Regardless, I make myself eat. In these instances, I always make sure it’s healthy food. I’ll pan fry kale with garlic or put organic peanut butter on my whole wheat toast. Don’t reach for comfort foods that are garbage like ice cream or cookies—you’ll begin to associate happiness with that and start to “eat your feelings.” Plus, all of that crap may taste great but you’ll feel like crap (because that’s what it is). Tie all of that with working out and sleeping at least eight to nine hours a night, and you’ll get a better grip on yourself.

Can’t sleep? Cut off screen time before bed. Staring at your cell phone, television, computer screen, or any other digital screen affects how your brain perceives time. You’ll actually fool your noggin into thinking it’s still daytime. Of course you can’t sleep with all of that buzz. Plus, it only promotes excitement. You want to wind down, not wind up. Next thing you know you’ll be watching some ridiculous infomercial and throwing your hard-earned money at it.

Think you don’t have time to work out? You may want to rethink that.

There’s tons of ways to do this. Invest in a Gripmaster and utilize it for five to 10 minutes at a time. This strengthens your grip and works your forearm muscles. I typically use mine while watching TV. Want an actual workout? There’s this YouTube channel run by Cassey Ho called "Blogilates." I used to think pilates wasn’t for me till I tried her videos. She offers a lot of quick five minute or 10 minute workouts, and if you do a handful, you’ll get a great workout. The satisfaction you’ll feel afterwards is well worth it, and you’ll be healthier for it.

4. Let Go

This is something I’m frequently told and I hate it, but it’s true and worth noting: let go of the past. It’s one thing to remember things that have happened to you, but it’s another to let it control you. Accepting it happened and letting go is the way to recovery. No, this doesn’t mean you’ll forget. It’ll always be there. But, are you really going to give whatever it is the satisfaction of affecting your present self?

Things aren’t set in stone. Whatever it was cannot devoid you of future happiness. If you find this process uncomfortable or even impossible (say you’re like me and had a teacher scream at you till you cried and now associate all academic professionals with anger), then there’s no shame in seeking out a therapist. They can act like a friendly tour guide down memory lane and allow you to have a safe journey to recovery.

Have I done this? No. I’d like to, but I won’t lie—it’s a long and tiring process. And I have a slew of things I’m still negatively impacted by: my father was murdered when I was young, my best friend died in a freak car accident four years ago, I used to steal food because I couldn’t afford to eat, and once I had my only winter jacket (which was a $300 down jacket given to me by my sister) and my new pair of sneakers stolen while I was sleeping at a friend’s house. Life is pretty shitty, and I used to be stone cold because of it. I had trust issues, freak outs over saving money, etc.

But it does get easier once you recognize that these things aren’t you. They’re things that happened to you, just like all the good things in your life.

I was able to explore ancient ruins in Mexico a la "As Above, So Below" style, met my favorite singer (John Darnielle), became the godmother of the most beautiful little girl ever, and have a tight group of friends who mean the world to me. That’s only a few examples of my happy memories. Those are the things worth clinging to, yeah?

Like Third Eye Blind says,

Well everyone I know has got a reason
To say
Put the past away

5. Don’t Be Ashamed and Reach Out

Because of my sudden recluse episode, I had to go see a therapist on campus. She asked me to speak my mind, and I unloaded a bout of anger, shame, guilt, and disappointment in myself. I was ashamed that my depression had come to this and that I simply couldn’t stop and get over it. That I kept telling myself to get better and cut the nonsense. I was being silly, right? I was being a brat because I didn’t want to do my school work. That had to be it—I was throwing a weird tantrum.

She interrupted me and halted my tirade to ask a simple thing: Would you be angry at a diabetic for being diabetic? What about a person having cancer?

Well, no, of course not. They can’t control what their body is naturally doing to itself. They can only manage it and even then, that can only go so far.

After I stated my answer I realized what I said, and she gave me this almost-smug look. She went on to say mental illness is the same way. We cannot help how our mind/body reacts. We cannot control it or suddenly “make it stop.” But we can manage it.

Reaching out for help is the hardest part. Trust me, I would know. There’s no easy way to tell anyone that you’re depressed or that you think about killing yourself (or in my case, wanting to cease to exist). I’ve had a handful of people cry after telling them. And just how would you tell them? For me, my best method is writing a letter. If I’m ever feeling like I’m going to have a bad episode, I’ll reach out to my friends for help. In the beginning it was hard for them—five years ago they wouldn’t have known what to do or how to respond to my feelings. Sometimes they still don’t. But we all know they’re my support system, and they try their best. This wouldn’t have happened if I continued my self-loathing and kept all of this to myself. You don’t have to suffer in silence. Even if you have to call someone up at 2 a.m. and start sobbing about it. Say something and reach out. There’s people who want to help you.

6. Life Isn’t Just Kittens and Puppies

Sometimes it kicks your ass and you don’t know why. One day, you’ll walk to your apartment after class, rap along to your favorite Childish Gambino song, say hello to your roommates, hang up your coat, then suddenly feel the urge to lock yourself in your room for a week. Sometimes there’s no reason for these things. Sometimes it’s a reaction to something major (or minor) in your life or someone else’s.

But the one thing that always gets me is this: All of these things are wonderful.

To this day it still amazes me that human beings are capable of such feats. That we can feel so deeply on all sides of the emotional spectrum. In a way it’s very beautiful, regardless of how tragic it may be. Relishing in the good or bad is what makes us human. It’s part of the experience. And sometimes I don’t agree with it or think all of this is shit, but at the end of the day it’s still awesome in the truest sense of the word.

Nowadays, I put this song on repeat, make a point to smile in the mirror, and push the negative thoughts away. It’s a challenge, but I’m aiming for bluer skies. So should you.

If you are worried that you or someone you know may be at risk for suicide, please call your local authorities (911). The hotlines below are 24 hours and are confidential.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
1 (800) 273-TALK (273-8255)

National Child Abuse Hotline
1 (800) 4-A-CHILD (422-4453)

National Domestic Violence Hotline
1 (800) 799-SAFE (799-7233)

Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network (RAINN)
1 (800) 656-HOPE (656-4673)

The Trevor Project
1 (866) 4-U-TREVOR (488-7386)