Living with bipolar disorder is characterized by having both severe mania and depression combined, alternating in episodes. But, on the individual level, it's having yourself divided into a binary you didn't agree to be part of. Like all mental illnesses, it's very much tailored to the individual, but there are overarching trends. These are honest thoughts and experiences from living with bipolar.

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1. Mania feels good. Mania is the polar opposite of depression. It's this infinite drive and sense of adventure. It's feeling so sure of yourself and feeling limitless. People cultivate mania in many ways; some are shopaholics, some are adrenaline seekers, promiscuous, or just make dramatic plans that seem impossible.

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2. The mania scares people as much as the depression. People that care for you typically find it easier to do so if you're predictable. Jumping from plan to plan, desire to desire, tends to worry people, sometimes rightfully so. Spending so much money, doing dangerous things, taking part in risky sexual activities, and making crazy plans can be dangerous.

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3. Insomnia has a way of feeling like home. Not being able to sleep has become as normal state of being. Being able to function for days without sleep hurts. The mania keeps you up with energy, thinking too much about things you shouldn't. The depression also keeps you up, thinking too much about things you shouldn't.

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4. Grandiose sense of self v. self-loathing. The flipside to being manic and limitless, is being depressed and feeling expendable. Half of the time, I am my favorite person because I know I can do anyting. The rest of the time, I hate myself for not having done anything. And I never really know how I'm going to see myself in the mirror when I wake up. I really look forward to the days I feel like a God, even if it worries my family, even if it's selfish.

5. Intimacy is a double-edged sword.I deeply want to be around people. Sometimes, being the center of attention feels like the only way to know people love you. But there always comes a moment where, despite needing the attention, I can't handle the closeness and vulnerability. I worry that too much time together might make people see me as a broken toy sooner. That mindset tends to make the whole relationship feel like a beatiful little lie.

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6. The body is a battle ground. The lazy me that wants to stay in the same pajama's for days, unmotivated, wanting to see how gross I can really get, is always at war with the me that feels like cleanliness really is the way to a clean mind. Eating becomes a love-hate relationship, where I can either eat carbs ravenously without reaching that feeling of fullness, or where I have to remind myself to eat because it's necessary.

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7. Why am I crying? I don't cry at appropriate times. But the thing is, whether you hate yourself or are in love with yourself, being the center of your own universe is not healthy and that's what bipolar is. Everything feels so personal, but almost nothing ever really is. Crying in the shower or in the car has become a ritual.

8. I collect hobbies because I grow very bored with things I love. That sounds harsh, but it's true. Fixating on new things is easier than having to figure out why I became so disillusioned in the first place. I'm sorry to say, but between being afriad of being so emotionally bare for someone, and going through phases, keeping reasons to love people is hard; finding new reasons to love people is incredibly easy.

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9. I'm happiest where I'm not. I can barely find comfort in my own sense of self, let alone actual places. Depression is feeling part of the scenery, passive. Mania is wanting to live in that moment endlessly; the only problem is, every moment ends.

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10. The signs don't always register. Knowing you have a mental illness is helpful. Having a supportive family or friend is also useful because, despite my best efforts, I will not aways know that I'm being manic or depressed. I don't know what my actual personality is if it doesn't fall into that dichotomy. Sometimes I can catch myself before I spend too much or reach three days without showering, but in all honesty, a lot of times I don't. It all seems a normal state of being to me, because unfortunately, my illness is not a part of myself that can be compartmentalized. It is an existing piece of me I can't seperate out.

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11. Suicidal thoughts are seductive by nature. Medication is a useful thing, and hobbies are too. But staying alive everyday is a choice. And sometimes it is a very hard one to make. Sometimes suicidal thoughts feel like a dark parsitic twin, eating at your mind and soul. And I know the arguments made by that dark twin are irrational, but nonetheless, one reason-any one reason- is all you need to keep yourself alive.