It is currently 9:21pm on Christmas Eve and I am exhausted and not in the festive mood at all. Christmas is tomorrow, and I feel hardly any sense of enjoyment. That sucks.

December is a crazy month for me, from studying and cramming for finals, to working weekends trying to save up money and dealing with holiday customers. It is not fun and the only good thing is Christmas which brings a week of relaxation and then partying on New Year's Eve. However, from family stress to long hours at work has me feeling pissed off and drained. It's got me saving Fuck Christmas.

This used to be my favorite holiday as a kid, getting all the presents and having a good time with the cousins on Christmas Day. Everyone was happy or maybe they weren't? Maybe when you grow up you realize the stress that folks actually go through and now that facade is broken because you are a part of it. You don't stress about buying presents for loved ones when you are little, you only worry about what presents Santa is going to bring. Growing up means experiencing the pains of Christmas and trying to get the best gifts for loved ones and trying to keep some sense of sanity for yourself as well. Traffic in shopping areas build up and retail workers like me, understand why people cry when animals are hurt in movies and real life compared to humans.

The mess I have seen at department stores left behind by customers shocked me as a retail worker. It's ridiculous how people think they can treat retail workers as if we are here trying to make their life more stressful. Seriously, is it that hard to keep your receipt? Also, are you honestly going to leave that shirt hanging in front of my register when you can clearly hand it to me. Yeah Fuck You.

Being a New Yorker during Christmas isn't easy as well. You want to take in the usual Christmas sights, but that means tourists and crowds and freezing temperatures. You deal with it anyhow, because Rockefeller Center is a tradition and those sights are gorgeous. Not to mention, taking a squad picture or a kissing photo with babe in front of a huge Christmas tree is pretty awesome. There's nothing quite like New York at Christmas time.

It is nice watching your loved ones open up your gifts though. You see the excitement and them laughing at your horrible gift wrapping skills because that shit is hard ok haha. I like to put a lot of effort into gift giving, I don't like to hand out gift cards. If I'm spending money on you, that means you matter a lot to me and I want something you are going to use and love. Perhaps once in a while that is gift card or money, but I want to try and have something for you that you really wanted at some point.

I miss the joy I had for Christmas as a child. I want that pure love back. It's getting harder each year to find it in the stress of December.