Hello, everyone.

I know that I have been absent for some time.

I cannot explain my feelings in words. I have three languages at my disposal and here I am, speechless. All I can tell you as a reader in the aftermath is that when I say that I have been absent, I do not simply mean that I have not been fulfilling my obligations here Odyssey.

I mean that I have not been present and grounded within myself. Maybe some would say that I have lost my way or others might say that I'm a hot mess. In some ways, I guess those are both true, but definitely not in a few ways. I can say that for the last three weeks, I was a mess of gender dysphoria, depression, and anxiety. I will not say that I am completely back on track and that everything is hunky-dory now because that is not true. I am just less of a mess than I was these past three weeks. I did lose my way in the sense that there was really no logical reason for me to throw my life down the garbage disposal for three weeks. It just hit me. All of these emotions I had contained inside myself to stay focused on classes and being a good person exploded and I guess everything happened in such a way that it really brought me down in a way that hard to repair. In short, this is the longest uphill battle I have fought and I never thought that it would be with myself and that it would be this high caliber.

In an article about body image as a trans person, I mentioned something called "gender dysphoria." Gender dysphoria is how trans people are "diagnosed" as being trans. As I explained in that article, there are some states that require a diagnosis like this in order for someone to receive hormone treatment and get their gender marker changed on forms of ID. Obviously, I talked about gender dysphoria in terms dealing more with body image as well as passing as the gender you identify as. You can read more about that by clicking the link I so kindly left for you.

Another aspect of gender dysphoria that I have more trouble with than anything else is my internal monologue.

Not only do I have the internal monologue that sounds like a super villain revealing his evil scheme, I have a little voice in my head that is my own worst enemy. During the last three weeks, I berated myself to the point that I could not rationalize it. I know that I should not be rationalizing this inner demon in the first place, but I could sympathize with myself and from there makes some changes based on the criticism I gave myself. Pardon my French, but sometimes I needed that kick in the ass to get out of a funk and go on. However, something about this last time was different. The belittling and berating didn't give me something that I could use to improve my behavior. For three weeks I only heard things concerning how stupid I was for coming out as trans, coming out as gay, and for doing those things publicly. I questioned my own existence as Thomas, thus creating anxiety around my gender identity. Part of me wanted to take everything back, to just hit a reset button and the big coming out I had wouldn't have happened. I would be a cisgender female not really worrying about being a dude because I was just going to be a tomboy for the rest of my life. I could just go back to being someone who could wear makeup and not be called a liar or be constantly asked if I was confused because I would be expected to wear it. On the other side, I knew I could not just take it all back. I knew that I am Thomas, I don't want to take anything back. I remembered my luck in a welcoming community and family and how others in the trans community do not have that. I had to remind myself how much more personal satisfaction I had when I came out and how everything seemed to change for the better.

I realized how privileged I was to have that thought occur to me.

Whenever my thoughts would duke it out, I became depressed. I didn't know what was going on with my gender and I started sleeping through the whole day. I missed three days of classes in a row and if I didn't sleep through the whole day, I slept through social engagements with friends and classes I thought I could miss. If I had a break between classes, I would go back to bed to pass the time. Since I was missing so much work, I started to get anxiety attacks when I would wake up because missing class meant that my grades would go out the window and I would never recover. In a panic, I would make a promise to myself to stay awake to not miss class or to do some homework. Then I would get depressed about not keeping that promise, belittling myself because I wasn't put together and I couldn't even keep a simple promise to stay awake. The cycle of anxiety and depression kept going for the whole three weeks. However, after that first week, I replaced sleeping all the time to going out all the time. I would go to one class during the day and go out to lunch with someone off campus or just hang out and neglect my obligations. During these times, I would be surrounded by friends, people who are willing to help me if I need it, but I never called on them for assistance. I didn't want to worry anyone because I couldn't keep myself together. Somehow, I wanted people to notice that I needed help without me saying anything. Maybe my friends would have some kind of mind-reading ability and ask me what was wrong and if I needed help. That didn't happen.

So for three weeks I moped. I kept fighting myself and I wasn't winning. Sometimes I would gain some ground and suddenly I would be pushed back down the hill. I kept asking myself what I really wanted and I could never come up with a good enough answer. I didn't know if I was homesick or in a rut and I didn't know if I should be trying to look for possible therapy options. I was soon ready to call it quits on the whole fight. I wanted to give up on the venture and let everything consume me. I didn't care if it meant that I was going to take my own life. I just wanted everything to be over.

My internal monologue was interrupted by another monologue and that was my mother's. My mother's internal monologue is very internal unless it is about you. Then she will tell you all about it, whether she's mad or happy. I got an earful of remembering why I wanted to go to college and why my education was important. I am the first person in my family to go to college. I brought change to South Dakota and I have the goal to bring LGBT+ equality to Russia. I have people back home who want me to succeed, even if that means taking a break from the world and cuddling with cats. After the chat with my mother, something changed. I actually had a willingness to work. I started going to class again and doing homework. I stopped going out just to go out. I got back to work with making more change in the LGBT community.

Right now, I am in Los Angeles talking about changes I have made and the change I want to bring the the LGBT+ community.

I don't want to forget this uphill battle. I am proud that I did make it to the top and the battle itself, in retrospect at least, told me what kind of person I am.

Now I can improve.