Blue Skies Weren't Always Blue

Overall I'd love to say I grew up a happy overly enthusiastic child that was taught to love herself and be loved by everyone else, but I can't say that and I never will. My smile wasn't always as bright as it is today, but this is the story behind my smile, the story about how I got here to the happiest place I'll ever be. I'll begin at freshman year of high school.

I was definitely not the prettiest one in my class, I was the underdeveloped girl who talked way too much for anyone's liking and was just over all annoying. At school, I guess I could say I sought for attention maybe because I wasn't getting it all at home. The constant thing I'd hear at school was " I can't wait to go home.", but is it crazy that I couldn't wait to get back to school. School was more of a home than my own house, the place where people dread to go was the place I was desperate not to leave. Coming home from school felt like I was entering a battlefield not knowing what I was going to get hit with next. Were my grades not good enough? Did I say something wrong? Did I forget to do a chore? Of course these are such small things. SUCH. SMALL. THINGS. They were blown up into hellish arguments I could never win. I lived with my step sister, Alyssa, she is 2 years older than me and I felt like if anything she took the brunt of everything. When it came to grades she would get yelled at way more than me; they seemed harder on her.

Alyssa was always the pretty one, they rarely pointed out a flaw in her appearance. I felt like I heard it all the time from her dad. A dad is known to be a daughters first love right? The one that told her she was the prettiest one out there, the one that made sure I had all the confidence in the world and more. It's okay not everyone's perfect you know. From the age of 10-13 I felt like I was raised as one of his own, but growing up things changed. He would mention how people would pick on me for my imperfections, but it seemed like the only one doing it was him. There's more between me and him, but that's a story for another time. My mom always stressed out with the family business took most of it out on us, blowing up and being verbally abusive on a consistent basis. I never felt like I was good enough to my parents, I gave my all and got nothing in return. I wasn't happy for such a long time, but I didn't tell anyone.

I thought that everything would be better if I wasn't there, that the home I lived in did not take me into account so it wouldn't matter. Going to school made me feel valued, I felt important and didn't feel judged and picked on. I knew that I was always the smart one in my class and that people cared about me because they always reminded me. I had some friends that really got me through some of the personal conflicts I had going on and they didn't even know because of the welcoming and positive facade I put on everyday.