Every woman can recall a time when she was approached by a man that made her feel uncomfortable. While this happens in a variety of settings, one of the most common types of uncomfortable encounters with men often occurs, in my experience, at my own college campus. Just last week alone, I was approached by two different people who each managed to turn their attempt of asking me out into an awkward situation.
In an alternate universe, I could write off these encounters as unusual and nothing to think more of. Unfortunately, this phenomenon is extremely common for women. Besides trying to encompass the qualities of compassion and kindness that one should have in any social encounter with strangers, men need to try a lot harder in understanding the perspectives of women. When asking someone out, everyone should think about the following guidelines:
1. Consider both your surroundings.
Think about the situation you're putting both of you in before approaching your person of interest. Are they in a well-lit, public space? Are they in the middle of doing something productive? If you take a moment and put yourself in their shoes, would you also be annoyed or inconvenienced if you were approached while doing what they are doing?
These questions are important because they demonstrate awareness of surroundings and mindfulness of others. Anyone would be on edge if they were alone at a dark street corner and then suddenly accosted by a stranger. Asking someone out when they are prone to feeling unsafe is not only unsettling, it's not going to elicit a genuine answer. The same goes for approaching someone in the middle of doing something. Would you think anybody is willing to talk to you while they're getting groceries? Do you think the person you want to approach will be receptive while they're studying for an exam? If you want to make a move but see that they're busy, mind your own business and wait until you're both in a more appropriate setting.
2. Be genuine.
For some reason, many men feel that it is necessary to ask strange, roundabout questions before introducing themselves. Whether they do it to feel as if they are slick, or because they think catching the other person off-guard is a good strategy, I hate to break it to them - it's not. Masking your intentions to ask someone out does not aid your case or make you appear cool; all it serves to do is to make the encounter awkward and leaves the other person with an unsavory impression of you. The roundabout approach also makes people suspicious of you because they can't discern what you want from them, which will then make them defensive. Instead of asking a weird question, be genuine and honest about shooting your shot.
3. Kindness goes a long way.
Starting out an encounter with an honest compliment is one of the best ways to make another person interested in what you have to say - especially if that compliment stems from prior experiences with them. Avoid grandiose assertions or statements that are ridiculous in proportion, such as, "You are the most amazing, gorgeous person I have ever seen on earth." The compliment doesn't need to be about appearance. You can compliment them on how cute their dog is, how interesting you find their passions to be, or something else about them that you think is cool. Saying something nice doesn't just show how kind you are, it also demonstrates that you are attentive to the other person and are giving them a reason for why you are particularly interested in them. People are much more open-minded when you are nice to them, and asking someone out is no different.
4. Don't worry about feeling nervous.
It is completely normal to feel nervous. As long as you're polite, no reasonable person is going to judge you for stuttering or messing up your words. The conversation will not make or break you, and if you make a mistake, don't beat yourself up over it. Try to relax as much as possible. If you want to rehearse what you want to say before you shoot your shot, there's no shame in writing it down first. When you are ready, take a deep breath and go for it. The stakes are not as high as you may think they are, and there are plenty of other fish in the sea.
5. Take rejection like a champ.
If she tells you no, do NOT persist and try to convince her otherwise, even if she seems conflicted. It's okay to feel hurt and stung by rejection - those are natural feelings - but trying to convince another person to do something they don't want to do is manipulative. If the other person is not into you, why continue trying to change their mind? If she tells you no, do what you would do in a common-sense situation with any stranger: back off, apologize, and BE POLITE. Your emotions are valid, but you do not need to take them out on the person who rejected you.
6. Remember: Women do NOT owe you their time.
While you may be feeling stressed during your encounter with a person you want to ask out, it is important to remember that the person who is on the receiving end of your advances is more likely to be more stressed than you are, especially if they are a woman.
Women have been killed for refusing the advances of men. As a result, women are often conditioned to feel the need to be polite to men, even if they are being placed in an uncomfortable situation, due to the possible threat of violence. Don't assume that a woman is interested in you just because she is being nice to you. I can personally attest that I have been afraid to say no to men on several occasions because I was worried about being followed or further harassed for turning them down. People who have experienced harassment are usually always thinking about the worst possible scenarios in the back of their minds, so be cognizant of the fact that women may be uncomfortable by default. Furthermore, don't assume that your feelings or desire to approach some are more important than what they're doing or how they're feeling. Mindfulness is arguably the most important element to have in any encounter; by all means, please have some empathy when you want to approach someone.
