Dear Anxiety,
Ah, so we meet again. It seems we always run into each other on a stereotypical rainy, cold night when I find myself staying up way later than I should be scrolling through Tumblr in search of the perfect dark quote I can relate and cling to. But tonight, things are different. Yes, the unexplained impending doom is there, and so is the feeling of being thrown into a vicious cycle from which I may never escape. But I have come to accept that you may always be a familiar acquaintance, one that I must learn to pick my battles against as if I am dealing with a rebellious toddler.
I don’t hate many things. Occasionally, the drudgery of walking across campus during a winter snowstorm can bring out my inner hatred, but anxiety, I will always hate you. While neither you nor I can help the fact that I am forced to share my mind with what is described as a chemical imbalance, that apparently is normal for 18 percent of the population, yes, I will always hate you. I will always hate the fact that you follow me everywhere I go and I never know when you are going to strike, like the Grim Reaper. I will always hate the fact that you have the ability to take away every bit of happiness my mind is filled with in the blink of an eye, or in the seconds it takes to have one bad thought. I will always hate you because no matter how hard I try to get rid of you, whether through medication or spirituality, I always have to be prepared for you to move in, unannounced, and wreak havoc of the home inside of my skull.
But I know it’s not your fault and while I hate you, I cannot help but thank you for where you have brought me thus far in my life. First, you dragged me down. Way, way down to the depths of darkness. I hit rock bottom. However that rock bottom became a solid foundation on which I built my life because I had no choice, but to turn to Christ to save me.
Exodus 14:14 states, “The Lord will fight for you. You only have to be still”
For me, at times, I have taken this verse quite literally and in the wake of an anxiety attack, I have literally stopped whatever I am doing, whether that is during a test, a workout, or a night out, and just stood there. Sometimes I would pray and other times I would just stand with complete faith that Christ would bring me peace. And you know what? There has been a 100% success rate with this strategy. He has never failed to pull me out of this darkness. There’s a famous saying that God never gives you more than you can handle and I am here to tell you that that is COMPLETELY false. God never gives you more than HE can handle. If we could handle it on our own, then we wouldn’t need to rely on Him.
Anxiety, while accepting that I will probably always be at battle with you for as long as I live was not an easy thing to do, once I realized that God was allowing this to happen to me to make me more Christ like, it relieved the strife. You see, without you as a hindrance in my life, I wouldn’t feel the need to cling to God; I would be fine living a life absent of Him. But anxiety, you brought me to Him out of desperation, and if it wasn't for you, I would never have found this joy and everlasting love that cannot be ripped away from me no matter how hard you, or any other trial, tries to do so. I have peace even in the midst of a storm.
So thank you,
Nat
