To the person who thinks that they are a waste of space on this Earth,
At one point in my life I was like you. I went through the motions of life and wallowed in pure sadness. Getting up every day was a struggle for me and all I wanted to do was lay down in my bed and sleep to try to escape from the outside world. I didn’t want to be around others and I felt embarrassed to talk or interact with my peers. I stopped putting effort into how I looked and wore nothing but sweatpants and baggy tee shirts because I felt like no one knew I existed therefore I didn’t need to impress anyone. I sat with my head propped up by my hands trying to make little eye contact with everyone around me because I didn’t want anyone to notice what was becoming wrong with me. My life was nothing but a downwards spiral. I felt myself going down and down and down. For the whole month of April, I could not get out of bed. My body was numb. My soul was numb. Getting up to go to the bathroom was a struggle in itself. I didn’t want to leave my bed. It was my safe space and the only thing that I felt was there for me. It provided me with a warm hug for hours at a time and I felt that when I was in it, my life wasn’t so bad anymore. But when I wasn’t in it, life was a struggle. Over the days of April, I started developing a suicide plan. I felt like no one cared about me. Not my parents, not my teachers, not my friends, not God. I felt like I was a waste of space. No one needed me. And before you know my life was over in 3….2….
One thing I didn’t realize is that depression isn't anyone’s fault. Depression is caused by a lack of dopamine and serotonin in the brain. I learned this in the hospital with people like me. People who didn’t want to live. People who thought they were a waste of space. I got to know these people in depth. They all had their own special talents and features and were beautiful in their own way. Why couldn’t they see what they had to offer to the world. Why couldn't they see past the sadness and realize that they are loved. Seeing their parents and family come in and hug them brought a tear to my eye. They were loved. My mom and my aunt came and visited me. One day, I sat in a visitation room with both of them and I watched my mom sob. I don’t know why I made her so sad. I don’t know why I did this to myself. Why did I do this to my family? Why would this happen to me?
TO MAKE ME STRONGER
After getting out and getting the treatment I needed, my life changed dramatically. I became happier, I started taking care of myself, and for the first time in my life, I was able to appreciate the life I was given. However this didn’t happen overnight. There is no such thing as a magical pill that treats all problems. You have to want to work. And work hard. Hard work. As I’m sitting here typing this, I can’t help but smile. Almost one year later, I am alive, healthy, and breathing. I am a college student receiving good grades and am apart of the best sorority on earth. I have a job, I’ve lost weight, I’ve made friends, and I’m involved in many organizations. As I’m typing this, the love of my life, Tyler is asleep in my bed and I just got off the phone with my parents and my relationship with them is stronger than ever. I opened my own charity to help those with depression and anxiety, especially those that are brought on by bullying. I am a different person. I am the happiest I’ve ever been in my life. I am Lauren Brocious, the happiest person alive.
My point in telling my personal story is to assure you life gets better. Believe me, as someone who received death threats from kids in high school and feeling like you don’t belong, life gets better. We are often thrown struggles in our life because it is God showing us how strong we really are. It is ourselves showing that we are more than just our diagnosis. We are individually beautiful in our own way. Even though right now at this very moment in time you may feel like no one cares about you or you are unloved, this could not be further from the truth. You are the furthest thing from a waste of space. Your presence here on Earth is one of the most valuable things that this Earth has to offer. Without you, who would your parents have to their child or your family to call yours. Who would your friends have to wave to? Who would people have to play against in video games. Who would that girl in your chemistry class have to sit next to? Who would fill your room in your house? Who would aspire to do the next big thing that you have your eye on? Who would I have to write this letter to? You are irreplaceable to this world. There is only one you. There is only one smile like yours, one mind like yours, one laugh like yours, and only one of you. Life gets better. And I promise even though it may be difficult, your life is worth living. You are worth every single inch of space that you take up on this Earth.
To anyone that needs to talk to someone because they are contemplating suicide, please reach out to me at laurenbro@comcast.net or @laurenbrocious on Instagram or Twitter. If you or a friend are planning to take your/their life, please call 911 immediately. I promise they will help.
Lots of Love,
Lauren Brocious
